A Hero Sits Next Door Transcript
| [Cheery instrumental music] | |
| Stewie Griffin | Machiavelli! You’ve told me nothing I don’t already know! |
| Stewie Griffin | Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, those books aren’t for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies. |
| Stewie Griffin | How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind. |
| Lois Griffin | Fuzzy. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Giddy laughter] |
| Lois Griffin | Tickle. |
| Stewie Griffin | God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can’t look away! |
| Teletubbies | TELETUBBIES: Again! Again! |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Dear God, please once more! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Sorry, Stewie. |
| Peter Griffin | A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham. |
| Stewie Griffin | I’m free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies! |
| Stewie Griffin | Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless. |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] “It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | “is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | “But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | “on which we used to rely? |
| All | “Lucky there’s a family guy |
| All | “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you |
| All | “all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | “laugh ‘n’ cry |
| All | “He’s a family guy” |
| Mr. Weed | Attention, please. |
| Mr. Weed | Tomorrow is softball practice. We have a lot of work to do for Saturday’s game. |
| Mr. Weed | Don’t forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties. |
| [Raucous laughter] | |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter giggles] |
| Peter Griffin | Look at those morons and their stupid glasses. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, man. I hate those guys. |
| Peter Griffin | More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of M* A*S*H. |
| Peter Griffin | When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? |
| Peter Griffin | Am I right? Who’s with me? |
| Mr. Weed | This year we will defeat those Pranksters with our secret weapon Guillermo. |
| [Screaming] | |
| Mr. Weed | Bravo! |
| Mr. Weed | I hired Guillermo because I believe he’ll be an asset to our company on and off the field. |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: You have impeccable credentials. |
| Mr. Weed | I’m sure I can find a position for you somewhere. |
| Mr. Weed | Back to work, people. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of TV action figures. |
| Peter Griffin | Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation. |
| Peter Griffin | Cute as a button fat as a cow radioactive scorpion. Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair. |
| Mr. Weed | I’ll consider it. |
| Peter Griffin | He’ll consider it! |
| Peter Griffin | I got another one where Natalie’s one of those spittin’ lizards from Jurassic Park. |
| [Applause on TV] | |
| Contestant | Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle. “Go tuck yourself in.” |
| Pat Summerol | PAT: You got it. |
| Chris Griffin | Well, you were close, Dad. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. I still can’t believe we missed the phrase, “My hairy aunt.” |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Brian. I gotta get to softball practice. |
| Lois Griffin | Practice? I thought we’d go next door and welcome our new neighbors. |
| Peter Griffin | No. I don’t want anything to do with neighbors. |
| Peter Griffin | Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster. Never saw it again. |
| Man | If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she’s got it. |
| [Short-circuiting] | |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, they might be very nice people. |
| Peter Griffin | “Very nice people.” Yeah, that’s what they always say. |
| Peter Griffin | Then you open up the septic tank and… Skeleton city! |
| Brian Griffin | [Panting] |
| Brian Griffin | Pervert! |
| Brian Griffin | Don’t flatter yourself, honey. I don’t have any sweat glands. |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: Okay, time for batting practice, my Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Boys. |
| Mr. Weed | Guillermo, you’re up. |
| Mr. Weed | Unfortunately Johnson isn’t here to pitch today. His wife is in labor. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, what? Is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I’ll pitch. |
| Mr. Weed | I don’t know what’s more questionable, your pitching arm or Bill Clinton’s integrity. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, how hard… |
| [Laugh track] | |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, how hard can it be to pitch? |
| Mr. Weed | Okay. Take your base. |
| Mr. Weed | Somebody call 911. |
| Mr. Weed | Tell them he is allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel! |
| Mr. Weed | Idiot! If you don’t find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you’re fired! |
| Peter Griffin | Man. What’ll I do if I get fired? I’ll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model. |
| Girl 1 | FEMALE VOICE 1: I don’t wanna be like everyone else. |
| Guy 1 | MALE: But I don’t want to be different. |
| Girl 2 | FEMALE VOICE 2: I just want to be. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? |
| Peter Griffin | This is gonna drive me nuts! |
| Lois Griffin | Moving is never easy on a family. |
| Bonnie Swanson | Well, we are gonna miss the go-go-go pace of Providence. |
| Bonnie Swanson | But with number two on the way, Joe thought it was time to move. |
| Bonnie Swanson | And I can’t say no to Joe. Ever. |
| Lois Griffin | Quahog can be pretty exciting, too. |
| Lois Griffin | Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo. |
| Man | L-17. Darn it. |
| Man | [Screams] |
| Bonnie Swanson | I haven’t played Bingo in years! |
| Stewie Griffin | Silence! Ever since you two met, you’ve done nothing but wax idiotic! |
| Stewie Griffin | I must escape this infernal babble! |
| Bonnie Swanson | [Chuckles] What a little explorer. |
| Lois Griffin | Yes. He’s so full of wonder. |
| Stewie Griffin | To be the Lindbergh baby right about now. |
| Bonnie Swanson | BONNIE: Joe, you have to meet our new neighbor, Lois Griffin. |
| Joe Swanson | It’s a pleasure, Lois. Who’s the little guy? |
| Lois Griffin | This is Stewie. Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson. |
| Stewie Griffin | You will bow to me. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Hi. I’m Meg. I live next door. |
| Kevin Swanson | I know. I’ve admired you in the garden from afar. |
| Meg Griffin | Will you go out with me? |
| Kevin Swanson | I’d love to. |
| [Romantic instrumental music] | |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Oh, he’s gay. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: You wish! |
| Meg Griffin | Get out of here, you mouth breather! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I’m as good as fired. |
| Peter Griffin | Where the hell am I gonna find a guy as strong as Guillermo? |
| Peter Griffin | One time I walked into the locker room, I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: She wants you to meet them. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: She’s always making me be social. |
| Peter Griffin | Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem. |
| Peter Griffin | What? Look, all I’m saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can’t tell the difference. |
| Joe Swanson | You must be Peter. Joe Swanson. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you, Phil. |
| Peter Griffin | You got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too. |
| Peter Griffin | So, don’t think you always have to bug me. |
| Joe Swanson | I’ll keep that in mind. Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow? |
| Peter Griffin | Man, you neighbors are like viruses. Starts with a screwdriver. |
| Peter Griffin |
Before you know it, you’re using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman. |
| Peter Griffin | Can you believe that guy? “Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?” |
| Peter Griffin | What an ass. |
| Brian Griffin | Did you find a replacement for the team? |
| Peter Griffin | No. Believe me, I’ve been looking. |
| Manager | Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team. |
| Manager | But he wishes to know what compensation you offer. |
| Peter Griffin | Me love you long time. |
| Brian Griffin | Gosh, I’d like to help. But I’ve gotta go out in the hall and chew on my ass for five minutes. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I invited Joe and Bonnie to your game on Saturday. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I don’t want those people there. |
| Peter Griffin | See, this is why I ask you to submit everything to me in writing first. |
| Lois Griffin | Bonnie told me Joe is a big baseball fan. He played in college. |
| Peter Griffin | He did? |
| Peter Griffin | Welcome to the neighborhood. |
| Peter Griffin | Hiya, Joe. |
| Joe Swanson | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | Don’t get up. |
| Joe Swanson | This is a surprise. I kinda thought you didn’t like me. |
| Peter Griffin | What? Because of what I said this afternoon. No. |
| Peter Griffin | See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth. |
| Peter Griffin | Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean? |
| Joe Swanson | I’m so sorry. |
| Joe Swanson | I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver. |
| Peter Griffin | Are you kidding? You can borrow whatever you want. |
| Joe Swanson | Great. Say, you don’t happen to have any picture wire, do you? |
| Peter Griffin | Picture wire? You son of a bitch. |
| [Dreamy ringing] | |
| Peter Griffin | Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again. |
| Joe Swanson | I don’t want to impose. |
| Peter Griffin | No problem. That’s what neighbors do. You know what else they do? |
| Peter Griffin | They play on their neighbor’s company softball team like this Saturday. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: What do you say, neighbor? |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Sounds fun. |
| Peter Griffin | So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement. |
| Peter Griffin | [Mickey voice] See you at the game, Joe. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] | |
| Man | Hey, you want a piece of gum? |
| Man 2 | Thanks. |
| Man | That was joke gum. |
| Man 2 | What do you mean? |
| Man | Now you’re addicted to heroin. |
| Man 2 | I’m cold. |
| Lois Griffin | Hey, Peter! |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: It’s nice that your family is here. |
| Mr. Weed | If your ringer doesn’t arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home. |
| Peter Griffin | He’ll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: He can hit, he can throw… |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Peter! |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: What’s he doing in a wheelchair? |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crip, he’s a crapple! |
| Mr. Weed | Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic? |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, Joe, you got me. Rise and shine. Come on. |
| Peter Griffin | Stand and deliver. Get the hell up. |
| Joe Swanson | You’re a hoot, Peter. |
| Umpire | Play ball! |
| Joe Swanson | Let’s do it! |
| Peter Griffin | I swear I didn’t know. Maybe they won’t hit a lot of balls to him. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: I got shortstop. |
| Bonnie Swanson | The movers tracked grease all over my carpet. |
| Bonnie Swanson | I tried everything to get the stain out. |
| Lois Griffin | What about lemon juice? |
| Brian Griffin | What about club soda? |
| Stewie Griffin | What about shutting the hell up? |
| Lois Griffin | Isn’t baseball great? |
| Lois Griffin | They say baseball’s the national pastime. |
| Bonnie Swanson | I can’t taste salt. |
| Peter Griffin | Crap! Don’t hit it to Joe. Please don’t hit it to Joe! |
| [Fans cheering] | |
| Umpire | You’re out! |
| Peter Griffin | All right, Joe! Way to earn that parking space! |
| Bonnie Swanson | BONNIE: All right! |
| Lois Griffin | Did you see that? |
| Bonnie Swanson | BONNIE: That’s my Joe! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: What the deuce? |
| Stewie Griffin | Half man, half machine. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans! |
| Stewie Griffin | Go, cyborg! |
| [Fantastical instrumental music] | |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: It all rests on that man’s broad, rippling shoulders! |
| [Whooshing] | |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: All right, Joe! Run! |
| Peter Griffin | All right, Joe! Come on! Yeah! |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: Hurry! Joe! All right! Yes, vamos! |
| Player | PLAYER: Let’s hear it for Joe! |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, let’s hear it for the guy who found Joe! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. |
| Joe Swanson | That’s finger suckin’ good, huh? It’s an old policemen’s recipe. |
| Joe Swanson | Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won’t be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket. |
| Bonnie Swanson | BONNIE: Joe, you’re so funny. |
| Joe Swanson | They love that one down at the Precinct. |
| Peter Griffin | This sucks, Brian. Joe is stealing my thunder. |
| Joe Swanson | Hey, everybody! Time to limbo! |
| Brian Griffin | Face it. He’s the life of the party. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? |
| Peter Griffin | I’ll show you who’s the life of the party. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! |
| Peter Griffin | How hilarious is that? That is so Peter Griffin. Guys? |
| Peter Griffin | Guys? |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: That’s my idea. |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: Peter, come here. |
| Peter Griffin | Finally. A little recognition. |
| Mr. Weed | Joe has the most wonderful idea. |
| Joe Swanson | Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys, you know to show kids the fun side of being physically challenged! |
| Peter Griffin | That’s what kids want to play with. Yeah. A Beanie Baby in a bubble. |
| Peter Griffin | What about my idea? Come on! Tootie morphs into a stink bug. |
| Mr. Weed | Joe, you’re exactly the kind of man we need at our company. |
| Mr. Weed | Peter, make yourself useful. Go get Joe a drink. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, first he takes my friends. Then he takes my job. |
| Peter Griffin | But the way I wear my hat… |
| Peter Griffin | No, no. He can’t take that away from me. |
| Stewie Griffin | You! How came you by this metal construct? |
| Stewie Griffin | I demand to know who made you! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, it’s not polite to point. |
| Lois Griffin | I’m so sorry. |
| Joe Swanson | That’s okay, Lois. He’s just curious about the chair. |
| Joe Swanson | About 10 years ago I was investigating a robbery at an orphanage. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: It was Christmas Eve and some presents had been stolen. |
| [Tense instrumental music] | |
| [Grunting] | |
| Joe Swanson | Reach for the sky, dirtbag! |
| Joe Swanson | All right, pal! You’ve stolen your last Christmas. |
| [Exciting instrumental music] | |
| The Grinch | “You think you have won You think all is well |
| The Grinch | “But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!” |
| [Screaming] | |
| Joe Swanson | Are you Timmy? |
| Joe Swanson | Merry Christmas, Timmy. |
| Stewie Griffin | Enough! |
| Stewie Griffin | If you won’t share your technological schemata with me peaceably I shall take the information from you by force! |
| Bonnie Swanson | Wow. Looks like you have a fan. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on. Let’s get out of here. |
| Joe Swanson | Peter, you can’t leave. |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I’d take them on a dream vacation to Hawaii right now. Say aloha, kids. |
| Meg Griffin | What are you talking about? We want to hear more of Mr. Swanson’s stories. |
| Chris Griffin | He’s cool, Dad. He killed a guy. |
| Joe Swanson | Well, technically he was killed by the state, but funny story. |
| Joe Swanson | He did curse my name just before the injection. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what’s the matter with you? |
| Peter Griffin | Why are you guys making such a big deal over Joe? |
| Peter Griffin | You don’t admire wheelchair people. You’re supposed to feel sorry for them. |
| Lois Griffin | Don’t talk like that! |
| Peter Griffin | I’ve done lots of things to help people. |
| [Creepy instrumental music] | |
| ? | |
| [Screaming] | |
| [Cat squealing] | |
| Dispatch Radio | Gang shooting on Third and Main. Three wounded, one dead. |
| Brian Griffin | Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier? |
| Peter Griffin | No. It’s my new police scanner. |
| Peter Griffin | This hero thing is gonna be easy once I find the right crime. |
| Dispatch Radio | DISPATCH: Domestic disturbance… |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Boring! |
| Dispatch Radio | DISPATCH: Report of a stabbing in… |
| Dispatch Radio | DISPATCH: All units! A major robbery is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust. |
| Dispatch Radio | Suspects are armed and extremely dangerous. |
| Peter Griffin | Perfect! Where’s Lois and the kids? |
| Brian Griffin | Over at Joe’s. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, go fetch ‘em. |
| Peter Griffin | They’re about to see a real hero in action. To the Batcave! |
| [Adventurous instrumental music] | |
| [Bats crying] | |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: You thought Joe was something. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what’s the big rush? |
| Peter Griffin | All right, you guys wait right here. |
| Peter Griffin | Daddy’s gonna make a little withdrawal. |
| Robber | ROBBER 1: Give Tammy a round of applause. |
| Robber | This was her first robbery and she was very brave. |
| [Muted laugh] | |
| Robber | Now before we go… |
| Girl | No, don’t go. |
| Robber | Oh, princess, we have to. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I hope you brought your striped pajamas, boys. |
| Peter Griffin | Because there’s a five-year sleepover at the big house. And you’re invited. |
| Robber 2 | ROBBER 2: You’ll never take us alive! |
| [Gunshots] | |
| Peter Griffin | Lois and the kids should be in here to see this. |
| Brian Griffin | Yes. It’s going very well. |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, what do you do when you like a boy but he doesn’t even notice you? |
| Chris Griffin | Meg loves Kevin. |
| Meg Griffin | Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit! |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, you’re a sweet, lovely girl. He’ll come around. |
| Meg Griffin | Such a mom answer. |
| Lois Griffin | Have you tried showing off the goods? How’s that for a mom answer? |
| Meg Griffin | Creepy. |
| Lois Griffin | I saw some cute dresses down the street. |
| Lois Griffin | If nothing else, it’ll make you feel better. Come on, you guys. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: If you want to be a hero, now might be a good time. |
| Peter Griffin | This isn’t what I was expecting. |
| Peter Griffin | I thought being a hero would be all fun and games. |
| [Heroic instrumental music] | |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Sorry, Wonder Woman. I got three kings. Now let’s see your pair. |
| [Wonder Woman sighs] | |
| Peter Griffin | All right. Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her. |
| [Space whooshing] | |
| Robber 2 | ROBBER 2: Come on. Let’s go. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, perfect. |
| Robber 2 | ROBBER 2: We got hostages! Don’t try anything funny! |
| Peter Griffin | Don’t worry, Brian. I got a plan. |
| Brian Griffin | Good. I was afraid you were just gonna improvise. |
| Peter Griffin | Actually, I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell. |
| Peter Griffin | But improvise, that’ll be easier on my back. |
| [Space whooshing] | |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wife. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Okay. And where are we? |
| Man 1 | GUY: A bar! |
| Man 2 | MAN: A pet store! |
| Old Woman | GRANNY: Guadalajara, Mexico! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, okay. I heard pet store. And I’m the gruff but lovable owner. |
| Peter Griffin | All right. Begin. Hello, married couple. I see you found a puppy. |
| Robber | Yeah. His name is Sparky. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Well, before you take Sparky home, let me check him for worms. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, drop it! |
| Peter Griffin | All right, you guys. Let’s get out of here. |
| Cop | COP: All right, stand back! |
| Peter Griffin | Whoa. Hang on. Sorry, no one can leave. |
| Peter Griffin | Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero. |
| Peter Griffin | This wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and… |
| Man | Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you? |
| Peter Griffin | That’s right! How’d you know? |
| Man | We’ve all been there. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Cool! The bank is getting jacked! |
| Lois Griffin | Officer, my husband’s in there! |
| Lois Griffin | Can you tell me if he’s okay? |
| Cop | What’s he look like? |
| Lois Griffin | He’s wearing a white-collared shirt, kind of big, with glasses. |
| Cop | COP: I got him. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, thank God. |
| Cop | Take him out. |
| Lois Griffin | No! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, there’s my family. |
| Robber | I just want you to know I rob banks because a deaf man stole my job at the phone company. |
| Robber | So if anyone’s gonna bust me, I’m glad it’s you. |
| [Tense instrumental music] | |
| Peter Griffin | But… But I was gonna be a hero. |
| Robber | Nobody’s going anywhere! |
| Lois Griffin | Joe, it’s Peter! He’s in trouble! |
| ? | A failed robbery at Quahog Bank and Trust has led to a terrifying hostage situation. |
| ? | That’s right. A hostage situation. |
| ? | I gotta go. |
| ? | I know. |
| Robber | If we want the cops to take us seriously, we have to waste a hostage. But who? |
| Peter Griffin | Excuse me. Shouldn’t that be “whom”? |
| Robber | Okay, you. |
| Peter Griffin | Crap! |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: This is Police Lieutenant Joe Swanson. I know we can work this out. |
| Peter Griffin | Not him again. I hope this place isn’t wheelchair accessible. |
| Lois Griffin | Bonnie, it’s Peter. |
| Bonnie Swanson | Don’t worry. Joe’s an excellent negotiator. |
| Bonnie Swanson | I was a virgin when we met. It took him three hours. |
| Meg Griffin | I can’t believe my dad is in there. |
| Meg Griffin | This’ll probably scar me for the rest of my life. |
| Meg Griffin | I got a new dress. |
| Joe Swanson | Try talking about him. |
| Meg Griffin | So do you like music? |
| Kevin Swanson | Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved. |
| Kevin Swanson | But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? |
| Meg Griffin | You first. |
| Kevin Swanson | I’m into Garbage, Phish, Blur. |
| Kevin Swanson | My parents don’t like me listening to that stuff. |
| Kevin Swanson | But I do anyway because I am not a robot! |
| Kevin Swanson | I also like Radiohead. |
| Joe Swanson | And even though society has turned its back on you I promise you there are people who care. |
| Joe Swanson | And you know what? I’m one of them. |
| Robber | He sure gets it. |
| Robber | Maybe he’s right. We can make a new start. |
| Robber | Come on, guys. |
| Peter Griffin | Don’t let him sweet talk you like that. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait. You can’t leave now. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I’m supposed to be the hero. Wait! |
| Peter Griffin | Can you let me pistol-whip you a couple times for the camera? |
| Peter Griffin | Stupid robbers with your guns and your make-out parties. |
| [Crowd cheering] | |
| [Cops cheering] | |
| Stewie Griffin | Excellent! |
| Stewie Griffin | They detached the human component from the machine. |
| Stewie Griffin | Machine, I am your new master and I order you to go! |
| Stewie Griffin | Engage! |
| Stewie Griffin | Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system. |
| Stewie Griffin | Now on the Russian MiG, it’s next to the altimeter. |
| Lois Griffin | There you are. I can’t turn my back on you for a second. |
| Stewie Griffin | One day I shall unlock the secret of that device. |
| Stewie Griffin | And when I do, Mother, victory shall be… |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you had us so worried. What on earth were you trying to prove? |
| Peter Griffin | I’m sorry. Joe is a great guy. |
| Peter Griffin | I guess I was just tired of him being your hero. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, Joe is a hero. But he’s not our hero. |
| Lois Griffin | You are. |
| Peter Griffin | Really? |
| Lois Griffin | Yeah. |
| Lois Griffin | You’re always right there on the couch for us, making us laugh when we’re upset. |
| Lois Griffin | Changing the channel when something boring comes on. |
| Lois Griffin | Eating the last slice of pizza so the rest of us don’t fight over it. |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah, Daddy. If you hadn’t pulled this stunt I wouldn’t know how to manipulate Kevin. |
| Chris Griffin | And when the kids at school see us on TV they’ll think you’re a total psycho. And I can say, “That psycho is my dad!” |
| Olympic Figure Skater | I wouldn’t have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m. |
| Peter Griffin | I guess being a hero isn’t always about saving lives and catching bad guys. |
| Peter Griffin | It’s also about just being there for the people you love. |
| Old Woman | OLD WOMAN: Help! Someone just stole my purse! |
| Peter Griffin | Who cares? I don’t even know you. |
| [Theme music] |
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