Brian: Portrait of a Dog Transcript

(Season 1 Episode 7)
Peter Griffin Come on, everyone.
Peter Griffin The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start.
Dad Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
Daughter 1 He’s up in his room sulking, Dad.
Daughter 2 Yeah. He’s still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Dad Maybe I should make him a sandwich.
All [Laughing]
Daughter 1 Dad. That’s your solution to everything.
Daughter 1 [Sister crying]
Daughter 2 Dad!
Peter Griffin What?
Daughter 2 Eight is enough.
All [Laughing]
Dad You know, I love you girls.
Lois Griffin Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?
Lois Griffin [Singing] “It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin “is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin “But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin “on which we used to rely?
All “Lucky there’s a family guy
All “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you
All “all the things that make us
Stewie Griffin “laugh ‘n’ cry
All “He’s a family guy”
Stewie Griffin Splendid.
Stewie Griffin That hausfrau’s cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight.
Stewie Griffin Once it’s built, of course.
Stewie Griffin Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet?
Stewie Griffin No, of course you didn’t, you worthless little…
Stewie Griffin There! See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you?
Stewie Griffin Actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I’m going to do it again!
Lois Griffin Stewie! My clothes are not for you to play with, understand?
Lois Griffin Thanks for telling me, Brian.
Lois Griffin I don’t know what we’d do without you.
Stewie Griffin I’m on to you. Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed.
Stewie Griffin You prance about this house like the cock of the walk.
Stewie Griffin But will you be prancing when there’s nothing to prance about?
Stewie Griffin Will you be prancing then?
Brian Griffin You just want to eat him up.
Meg Griffin MEG: It is so hot out there!
All How hot is it?
Meg Griffin I don’t know. Like, around 98, 99.
Peter Griffin I don’t get it.
Meg Griffin I think I’m a little sweaty.
Stewie Griffin You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly-acted farce.
Stewie Griffin What do they call that one?
Chris Griffin That’s Meg, dude. You know that.
Stewie Griffin Meg! You vile-smelling girl, you’re not to touch any of my things!
Stewie Griffin You understand me? Dirty girl.
Diane Simmons DIANE: Meanwhile, here at home Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave.
Tom Tucker I don’t think you should use the word “freak”.
Tom Tucker Some people might find it offensive.
Tom Tucker Finish your oatmeal, son.
Tom’s Son Why bother? I’m just a freak!
Tom Tucker We’re all a little different, Diane. Each of us.
Diane Simmons Good point.
Diane Simmons We’re even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our studio.
Diane Simmons [Sneezing] Freak. So stay inside and stay cool.
Chris Griffin I think I saw one of her nipples!
Lois Griffin Chris, that’s a terrible word! “Nipple.”
Lois Griffin I’ll chalk that up to the heat, mister.
Stewie Griffin Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta?
Stewie Griffin Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!
Lois Griffin Please don’t threaten Mommy. She’s very hot.
Meg Griffin Chris, you’re hogging up all the fans!
Chris Griffin Yeah? You’re hogging up all the ugly!
Peter Griffin Check this out, you guys.
Peter Griffin PETER: The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year!
Peter Griffin First prize is $500!
Lois Griffin Really?
Lois Griffin If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner.
Peter Griffin Brian. You could win for sure.
Peter Griffin You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.
Brian Griffin [Singing] “We were sailing along
Brian Griffin “On Moonlight Bay
Brian Griffin “We could hear the voices singing
Brian Griffin “They seemed to say”
Brian Griffin Sorry. I don’t do dog shows. It’s not my thing.
Peter Griffin Come on. All you gotta do is a few simple commands.
Peter Griffin And maybe a trick or two. It’ll be like taking candy from a baby.
[Baby gurgling]
Peter Griffin Please, Brian.
Brian Griffin I don’t know. I mean I don’t even know where my papers are.
Brian Griffin Can’t you get the money another way?
Peter Griffin I’ve been trying. That’s why I went on that game show.
Alex Trabeck For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter Griffin Diarrhea.
[Laughter]
Peter Griffin What?
Peter Griffin Sorry. What is Diarrhea?
Peter Griffin Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner.
Brian Griffin [Groaning]
Peter Griffin Okay, let’s go over the commands.
Peter Griffin Sit.
Peter Griffin Good. Roll over.
Brian Griffin I’m already shvitzing like crazy here. Let’s call it a night.
Peter Griffin Do you want to win this thing or not?
Peter Griffin We haven’t even talked about how you’ll wear your ears.
Peter Griffin I was thinking up.
Brian Griffin I need a cocktail.
Lois Griffin Don’t push too hard, Peter.
Lois Griffin You gotta take Brian’s feelings into consideration.
Lois Griffin After all, it’s only a dog show.
Peter Griffin Lois, honey, I love you but you’re sucking all the energy out of the room.
[Knocking on door]
Brian Griffin Come.
Lois Griffin I got you a little something for the show.
Lois Griffin It’s Italian. Do you like it?
Brian Griffin It’s exquisite.
Lois Griffin It’s not for every day.
Brian Griffin Clearly. I’m gonna put it on right now.
Lois Griffin I know how hard you’ve been working.
Lois Griffin And the whole family appreciates it.
Brian Griffin Thank you, Lois.
Lois Griffin I should go. We’ll be waiting downstairs whenever you’re ready.
Lois Griffin And Brian you look very handsome.
Brian Griffin [Inhales deeply]
Brian Griffin Showtime!
Announcer ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Quahog Dog Show. Today’s competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits.
[Bird squawks]
Brian Griffin Peter, I’m not really comfortable with all this.
Brian Griffin Do I know you?
Brian Griffin I don’t think I can do this.
Peter Griffin You can’t back out now. How about a pill?
Peter Griffin Something to relax you before you go on?
Peter Griffin Not drugs. Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform.
Lois Griffin Well, those celebrities are wrong!
Peter Griffin Lois, if Liza is wrong, then I don’t want to know what right is.
Stagehand Two minutes to curtain, Miss Minnelli!
Liza Minnelli Come on, baby! Mama’s gotta sparkle! It’s time to make life a cabaret!
M&M Lady,
for God’s sake, I’m just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!
Stewie Griffin [Grunting]
Stewie Griffin You there, child-woman!
Stewie Griffin I’ll give you a shiny dime if you’ll roll me into the nearest lake.
Lois Griffin Let me see if I can find you a juice box.
Stewie Griffin And get the lead out, pudgy!
Announcer Next, Peter Griffin and his dog, “Brain”.
Brian Griffin We’re off to a good start.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Announcer A beautiful performance from “Brain” Griffin!
Chris Griffin Go, Brian!
[Crowd applauding]
Peter Griffin All right, Brian. We got it all sewn up.
Brian Griffin What the hell is this?
Peter Griffin This? This is the part where you beg for a treat.
Brian Griffin I don’t think so.
Peter Griffin Brian, you’re embarrassing me.
Lois Griffin God, he can’t expect Brian to do that.
Chris Griffin It’s easier than it looks, Mom.
Peter Griffin Come on, Brian. We had a deal.
Brian Griffin Yeah? The deal’s off.
Brian Griffin Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car!
Peter Griffin Brian, come! Don’t you walk out on me!
Peter Griffin I now command you to leave.
Peter Griffin Keep going. Yeah, that’s right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy.
Peter Griffin [Giggling]
Peter Griffin How could you let me down like that, Brian?
Brian Griffin I let you down? Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of the good dog?
Peter Griffin This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for us.
Peter Griffin This and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet.
Brian Griffin One time I did that!
Lois Griffin Peter, Brian, please.
Lois Griffin Let’s just have a nice family car ride like we always do.
Meg Griffin Yeah. Except for the time Dad hit that deer.
Peter Griffin Yeah, it looks like it’s just a ding.
Peter Griffin There’s no reason to involve the insurance companies.
Deer I should still take down your information.
Peter Griffin Really? You could probably just buff that out.
Deer Yeah, but I…
Deer I would really feel better if I got your information.
Peter Griffin Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong.
Peter Griffin Maybe you really don’t care about this family.
Brian Griffin If you cared about me, you’d never ask me to do something so degrading.
Peter Griffin The next time I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand?
Lois Griffin Who wants to sing show tunes? “In old…”
Brian Griffin Stop the car.
Peter Griffin Is that what you want? Because I’ll stop.
Brian Griffin Pull over now.
Peter Griffin Fine.
Lois Griffin God. Brian, don’t do this.
Stewie Griffin Is the doggie going bye-bye? I’m so sad.
Stewie Griffin Quick! Back up!
[Sorrowful instrumental music]
Brian Griffin Great. Is there a problem, Officer?
Cop Can I see your license, boy?
Brian Griffin “Boy”?
Brian Griffin Oh, God. I left it on my other collar.
Cop You been chasing cars tonight, boy?
Brian Griffin Look, the name is Brian.
Brian Griffin I was just out for a little walk. That’s all.
Cop Without a leash.
Cop I’m gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk. Down!
Brian Griffin I don’t believe this.
Peter Griffin I don’t suppose you could let us off with a warning?
Cop Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good.
Cop The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me?
Brian Griffin [Slave voice] Lordy, I’ll never roam again!
Brian Griffin Jackass.
Peter Griffin He’s the law outside this house just like I’m the law inside this house.
Peter Griffin And you better start obeying both of us.
Brian Griffin Look at you.
Brian Griffin Big man, can’t even afford to buy an air conditioner for your family.
Stewie Griffin What a bitch.
Diane Simmons DIANE: Good morning Quahog. The heat wave has finally broken.
Tom Tucker It sure has. You know what they say, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, go back where you came from. “
Diane Simmons I don’t think that’s the expression.
Tom Tucker I guess I had too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway…
Tom Tucker [Belching]
Tom Tucker God. I hope the boss isn’t watching.
Diane Simmons [Laughing]
Lois Griffin I don’t know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning.
Peter Griffin Something smells good.
Lois Griffin Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube.
Dough Boy [Giggling]
Dough Boy Nothing says “I love you” like something from…
Dough Boy What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch?
Lois Griffin These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite.
Peter Griffin Really?
Peter Griffin I could’ve sworn his favorite was “treat Peter like crap” buns.
Lois Griffin Good morning, Brian.
Lois Griffin My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn’t it, Peter?
Peter Griffin Yeah. Must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra.
Peter Griffin But I would do anything for you, Brian.
Brian Griffin I’ll be on the veranda since you’re already on the cross.
Lois Griffin Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns.
Brian Griffin May I have one on a plate or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose?
Lois Griffin Peter, Brian, stop this.
Lois Griffin Can’t you two go back to the way you used to be?
[Ragtime music playing]
Brian Griffin We can’t go back to the way things were after how I was treated.
Brian Griffin Not after the things I’ve seen.
Chris Griffin What did you see? Was it breasts?
Peter Griffin Get over it, Brian. I mean, how bad do you really have it here?
Peter Griffin When I found you, you were just a stray.
Brian Griffin You swore you would never speak of that.
Peter Griffin No, thank you. I just had it cleaned.
Peter Griffin No. Jeez.
Brian Griffin All set, sir.
Peter Griffin I don’t have any change. Sorry.
Brian Griffin That’s okay. No charge.
[Sad instrumental music]
Peter Griffin Wait.
Peter Griffin [Stammering]
Peter Griffin You hungry?
Peter Griffin Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole.
Peter Griffin Out of this world.
Peter Griffin Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here.
Peter Griffin Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog.
Brian Griffin How dare you?
Peter Griffin How dare I? Where do you think you’re going?
Brian Griffin Out!
Peter Griffin You’re not going anywhere without your leash!
Brian Griffin I don’t need your damn leash, or you!
Brian Griffin I’m going for a walk.
Peter Griffin Don’t worry. He won’t get far without this.
Brian Griffin And a pack of Eldorados, unfiltered.
Brian Griffin What? That. Yeah. I’ll clean that up on my way out.
Clerk See that sign?
Clerk Now why don’t you go tie yourself up to that parking meter?
Brian Griffin I don’t want any trouble.
Daughter Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?
Mother What
do you mean, honey?
Daughter You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh?
Mother I’m not sure what you’re… I don’t follow you.
Daughter Have you ever felt like you’re dirty?
Daughter Down there?
Mother [Exclaiming]
Mother God, no!
Lois Griffin That was Brian’s favorite commercial.
Peter Griffin “Brian”? No, it’s not ringing a bell.
Lois Griffin Stop it! We all miss him.
Lois Griffin Go find him, apologize, and bring him home.
Peter Griffin You heard him. He doesn’t want to be a part of this family.
Peter Griffin We don’t need him. We’ll get another pet.
Meg Griffin No way, Dad. No one can take Brian’s place.
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: Silence!
Stewie Griffin That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak!
Stewie Griffin Let’s get a kitty!
Peter Griffin See, gang? Stewie’s got the right idea.
Lois Griffin I don’t know, Peter.
Peter Griffin Lois, trust me.
Peter Griffin We’ll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better.
Cat [Hissing]
Peter Griffin PETER: Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy.
Peter Griffin That’s a good kitty.
Peter Griffin [Gasping]
Peter Griffin What the hell was that?
Brian Griffin Something near a window. Preferably a booth.
Brian Griffin Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen!
Brian Griffin Yeah, that’s authentic Italian.
Brian Griffin BRIAN: Don’t do that. That’s what they expect you to do.
Brian Griffin Okay, fine for you. But what about your puppies?
Brian Griffin And your puppies’ puppies? Am I the only one who’s outraged here?
Brian Griffin I’m sorry. Enjoy your dinner.
Peter Griffin How come you’re still setting a place for Brian?
Lois Griffin Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts.
Lois Griffin I know you’re thinking about him, too, Peter.
Peter Griffin Look, Lois, he broke his promise to me. Besides, we have a new pet.
Peter Griffin And we love our fluffy kitty.
Woman Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain?
Cop Hey, you!
Cop COP: Stay!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Shouting]
Brian Griffin Joyce DeWitt? So that’s where you’ve been.
Security Guard Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station.
Brian Griffin My blind guy’s in the john.
Security Guard I’ll point him in your direction.
Peter Griffin PETER: Brian’s tennis ball.
Peter Griffin Man, he loved to play with this thing.
Referee REFEREE: Double fault!
Peter Griffin Come on, Brian.
Lois Griffin Peter, why don’t you just admit you miss Brian?
Peter Griffin You’re right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him.
[Cat howling]
Peter Griffin God, I hate this freaking cat.
Brian Griffin Can you spare some change?
Man Why? So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze?
Man Why don’t you make something of your life, like this dog?
Brian Griffin That’s me! I mean, that was me.
Man MAN: Yeah, sure.
Brian Griffin No, I mean it. That was me.
Man Get away from me, you crazy animal!
Brian Griffin You want me to be a crazy animal? Okay, I’m a crazy animal!
Man Stop! Help!
Man Help!
Brian Griffin BRIAN: All right, who wants to be next? You? You?
Peter Griffin Brian!
Peter Griffin PETER: I’m here to bring you…
Cop COP: You’re going downtown, pal.
Peter Griffin …home.
Brian Griffin Hi. How’s it going?
Brian Griffin Oh, God. I know karate!
Brian Griffin [Kung fu noises]
[Dog growling]
Brian Griffin Look! A tasty little baby!
Brian Griffin I see somebody’s been neutered.
Cop Come on, sugar. It’s time.
Brian Griffin Thank God.
Judge He’s cute. Aren’t you precious? Lethal injection. Next!
Brian Griffin What?
Peter Griffin Oh, no!
Peter Griffin You can’t do this!
Judge Who’s up for a little lunch? Something festive.
Judge Did someone say Tex-Mex?
Cop I’m sorry, sugar.
Brian Griffin Help me.
Peter Griffin Don’t worry. I’ll get you out of this.
Peter Griffin I’ll get us the best help there is.
Peter Griffin “Dear MacGuyver…
Peter Griffin Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw.
Peter Griffin Please save my dog.”
Lois Griffin You’re looking well.
Brian Griffin Don’t get too close. They say I’m dangerous.
Brian Griffin That’s why the man’s gonna put me down.
Lois Griffin Don’t say that, Brian. Peter is working on your appeal.
Lois Griffin You’ll see. Everything’s gonna work out.
Brian Griffin I may have been born with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is.
Brian Griffin I’m a second-class citizen, Lois.
Peter Griffin Great news! The City Council agreed to hear your case!
Brian Griffin BRIAN: You’re kidding! If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all.
Brian Griffin I don’t know how to thank you.
Lois Griffin We’re family. This is what we do for each other.
Lois Griffin Right, Peter?
Lois Griffin Peter, don’t stare!
[Intense instrumental music]
? Good luck, sweetness.
? Thanks, Felicia.
Judge This meeting was called to review the judgment in City of Quahog v. Brian Griffin.
Brian Griffin Justice, for all? Or for some?
Brian Griffin Does a dog not feel?
Brian Griffin If you scratch him, does his leg not shake?
Brian Griffin Yes, he is man’s best friend. But what manner of friend is man?
Brian Griffin I would like to cite the case of Plessy v. Ferguson…
Judge Wait a minute. Why are we listening to a dog?
Judge Take him away!
Brian Griffin Does not every dog have his day?
Peter Griffin Wait! Please! I gotta say something!
Peter Griffin Look, all Brian’s ever wanted is the same respect he gives us.
Peter Griffin That and Snausages. He’s mental for those Snausages.
Peter Griffin And sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he’s sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the “oodmay” but Brian won’t “amscray.”
Lois Griffin Peter…
Peter Griffin Okay.
Peter Griffin Look. The point is, he’s a member of our family first and a dog second.
Peter Griffin And I’m real sorry I forgot that, buddy.
Peter Griffin Sometimes we all need a second chance.
Peter Griffin Sometimes we all need to forgive!
Chris Griffin I stole $10 from Meg’s room!
Meg Griffin I stole $10 from Mom’s purse!
Lois Griffin I’ve been making counterfeit $10 bills for years.
Judge Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society.
Judge Albeit an articulate and charismatic one.
Judge But the law is the law and can’t be circumvented by pretty words.
Peter Griffin I’ll give you each $20.
Judge Deal. He can go.
[AII cheering]
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: Mistrial, damn you! Mistrial!
[Triumphant instrumental music]
Cop No. Let him go.
Lois Griffin Anybody want
more pizza rolls?
Peter Griffin Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote.
Jessica Fletcher Charles Montrose, after all these years.
Charles Montrose Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven’t seen you since you had the…
Jessica Fletcher You can say it, Charles. I’m not ashamed. Abortion.
Peter Griffin So she’s the murderer!
Lois Griffin Come on, kids. Bedtime.
Lois Griffin Good night, Brian. And welcome home.
Chris Griffin CHRIS: Good night, you guys.
Meg Griffin MEG: Good night.
Stewie Griffin Dog?
Brian Griffin Yeah?
Stewie Griffin If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.
[Theme music]
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