Brian: Portrait of a Dog Transcript
| Peter Griffin | Come on, everyone. |
| Peter Griffin | The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start. |
| Dad | Mary, have you seen Nicholas? |
| Daughter 1 | He’s up in his room sulking, Dad. |
| Daughter 2 | Yeah. He’s still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards. |
| Dad | Maybe I should make him a sandwich. |
| All | [Laughing] |
| Daughter 1 | Dad. That’s your solution to everything. |
| Daughter 1 | [Sister crying] |
| Daughter 2 | Dad! |
| Peter Griffin | What? |
| Daughter 2 | Eight is enough. |
| All | [Laughing] |
| Dad | You know, I love you girls. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, are you offering Brian drugs? |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] “It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | “is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | “But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | “on which we used to rely? |
| All | “Lucky there’s a family guy |
| All | “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you |
| All | “all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | “laugh ‘n’ cry |
| All | “He’s a family guy” |
| Stewie Griffin | Splendid. |
| Stewie Griffin | That hausfrau’s cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. |
| Stewie Griffin | Once it’s built, of course. |
| Stewie Griffin | Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? |
| Stewie Griffin | No, of course you didn’t, you worthless little… |
| Stewie Griffin | There! See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you? |
| Stewie Griffin | Actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I’m going to do it again! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie! My clothes are not for you to play with, understand? |
| Lois Griffin | Thanks for telling me, Brian. |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t know what we’d do without you. |
| Stewie Griffin | I’m on to you. Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. |
| Stewie Griffin | You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. |
| Stewie Griffin | But will you be prancing when there’s nothing to prance about? |
| Stewie Griffin | Will you be prancing then? |
| Brian Griffin | You just want to eat him up. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: It is so hot out there! |
| All | How hot is it? |
| Meg Griffin | I don’t know. Like, around 98, 99. |
| Peter Griffin | I don’t get it. |
| Meg Griffin | I think I’m a little sweaty. |
| Stewie Griffin | You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly-acted farce. |
| Stewie Griffin | What do they call that one? |
| Chris Griffin | That’s Meg, dude. You know that. |
| Stewie Griffin | Meg! You vile-smelling girl, you’re not to touch any of my things! |
| Stewie Griffin | You understand me? Dirty girl. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: Meanwhile, here at home Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave. |
| Tom Tucker | I don’t think you should use the word “freak”. |
| Tom Tucker | Some people might find it offensive. |
| Tom Tucker | Finish your oatmeal, son. |
| Tom’s Son | Why bother? I’m just a freak! |
| Tom Tucker | We’re all a little different, Diane. Each of us. |
| Diane Simmons | Good point. |
| Diane Simmons | We’re even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our studio. |
| Diane Simmons | [Sneezing] Freak. So stay inside and stay cool. |
| Chris Griffin | I think I saw one of her nipples! |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, that’s a terrible word! “Nipple.” |
| Lois Griffin | I’ll chalk that up to the heat, mister. |
| Stewie Griffin | Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? |
| Stewie Griffin | Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services! |
| Lois Griffin | Please don’t threaten Mommy. She’s very hot. |
| Meg Griffin | Chris, you’re hogging up all the fans! |
| Chris Griffin | Yeah? You’re hogging up all the ugly! |
| Peter Griffin | Check this out, you guys. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year! |
| Peter Griffin | First prize is $500! |
| Lois Griffin | Really? |
| Lois Griffin | If you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian. You could win for sure. |
| Peter Griffin | You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet. |
| Brian Griffin | [Singing] “We were sailing along |
| Brian Griffin | “On Moonlight Bay |
| Brian Griffin | “We could hear the voices singing |
| Brian Griffin | “They seemed to say” |
| Brian Griffin | Sorry. I don’t do dog shows. It’s not my thing. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on. All you gotta do is a few simple commands. |
| Peter Griffin | And maybe a trick or two. It’ll be like taking candy from a baby. |
| [Baby gurgling] | |
| Peter Griffin | Please, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | I don’t know. I mean I don’t even know where my papers are. |
| Brian Griffin | Can’t you get the money another way? |
| Peter Griffin | I’ve been trying. That’s why I went on that game show. |
| Alex Trabeck | For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products. |
| Peter Griffin | Diarrhea. |
| [Laughter] | |
| Peter Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry. What is Diarrhea? |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner. |
| Brian Griffin | [Groaning] |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, let’s go over the commands. |
| Peter Griffin | Sit. |
| Peter Griffin | Good. Roll over. |
| Brian Griffin | I’m already shvitzing like crazy here. Let’s call it a night. |
| Peter Griffin | Do you want to win this thing or not? |
| Peter Griffin | We haven’t even talked about how you’ll wear your ears. |
| Peter Griffin | I was thinking up. |
| Brian Griffin | I need a cocktail. |
| Lois Griffin | Don’t push too hard, Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | You gotta take Brian’s feelings into consideration. |
| Lois Griffin | After all, it’s only a dog show. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, honey, I love you but you’re sucking all the energy out of the room. |
| [Knocking on door] | |
| Brian Griffin | Come. |
| Lois Griffin | I got you a little something for the show. |
| Lois Griffin | It’s Italian. Do you like it? |
| Brian Griffin | It’s exquisite. |
| Lois Griffin | It’s not for every day. |
| Brian Griffin | Clearly. I’m gonna put it on right now. |
| Lois Griffin | I know how hard you’ve been working. |
| Lois Griffin | And the whole family appreciates it. |
| Brian Griffin | Thank you, Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | I should go. We’ll be waiting downstairs whenever you’re ready. |
| Lois Griffin | And Brian you look very handsome. |
| Brian Griffin | [Inhales deeply] |
| Brian Griffin | Showtime! |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Quahog Dog Show. Today’s competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits. |
| [Bird squawks] | |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, I’m not really comfortable with all this. |
| Brian Griffin | Do I know you? |
| Brian Griffin | I don’t think I can do this. |
| Peter Griffin | You can’t back out now. How about a pill? |
| Peter Griffin | Something to relax you before you go on? |
| Peter Griffin | Not drugs. Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform. |
| Lois Griffin | Well, those celebrities are wrong! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, if Liza is wrong, then I don’t want to know what right is. |
| Stagehand | Two minutes to curtain, Miss Minnelli! |
| Liza Minnelli | Come on, baby! Mama’s gotta sparkle! It’s time to make life a cabaret! |
| M&M | Lady, for God’s sake, I’m just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help! |
| Stewie Griffin | [Grunting] |
| Stewie Griffin | You there, child-woman! |
| Stewie Griffin | I’ll give you a shiny dime if you’ll roll me into the nearest lake. |
| Lois Griffin | Let me see if I can find you a juice box. |
| Stewie Griffin | And get the lead out, pudgy! |
| Announcer | Next, Peter Griffin and his dog, “Brain”. |
| Brian Griffin | We’re off to a good start. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] | |
| Announcer | A beautiful performance from “Brain” Griffin! |
| Chris Griffin | Go, Brian! |
| [Crowd applauding] | |
| Peter Griffin | All right, Brian. We got it all sewn up. |
| Brian Griffin | What the hell is this? |
| Peter Griffin | This? This is the part where you beg for a treat. |
| Brian Griffin | I don’t think so. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, you’re embarrassing me. |
| Lois Griffin | God, he can’t expect Brian to do that. |
| Chris Griffin | It’s easier than it looks, Mom. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Brian. We had a deal. |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah? The deal’s off. |
| Brian Griffin | Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car! |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, come! Don’t you walk out on me! |
| Peter Griffin | I now command you to leave. |
| Peter Griffin | Keep going. Yeah, that’s right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy. |
| Peter Griffin | [Giggling] |
| Peter Griffin | How could you let me down like that, Brian? |
| Brian Griffin | I let you down? Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of the good dog? |
| Peter Griffin | This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for us. |
| Peter Griffin | This and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet. |
| Brian Griffin | One time I did that! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, Brian, please. |
| Lois Griffin | Let’s just have a nice family car ride like we always do. |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah. Except for the time Dad hit that deer. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, it looks like it’s just a ding. |
| Peter Griffin | There’s no reason to involve the insurance companies. |
| Deer | I should still take down your information. |
| Peter Griffin | Really? You could probably just buff that out. |
| Deer | Yeah, but I… |
| Deer | I would really feel better if I got your information. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong. |
| Peter Griffin | Maybe you really don’t care about this family. |
| Brian Griffin | If you cared about me, you’d never ask me to do something so degrading. |
| Peter Griffin | The next time I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand? |
| Lois Griffin | Who wants to sing show tunes? “In old…” |
| Brian Griffin | Stop the car. |
| Peter Griffin | Is that what you want? Because I’ll stop. |
| Brian Griffin | Pull over now. |
| Peter Griffin | Fine. |
| Lois Griffin | God. Brian, don’t do this. |
| Stewie Griffin | Is the doggie going bye-bye? I’m so sad. |
| Stewie Griffin | Quick! Back up! |
| [Sorrowful instrumental music] | |
| Brian Griffin | Great. Is there a problem, Officer? |
| Cop | Can I see your license, boy? |
| Brian Griffin | “Boy”? |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, God. I left it on my other collar. |
| Cop | You been chasing cars tonight, boy? |
| Brian Griffin | Look, the name is Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | I was just out for a little walk. That’s all. |
| Cop | Without a leash. |
| Cop | I’m gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk. Down! |
| Brian Griffin | I don’t believe this. |
| Peter Griffin | I don’t suppose you could let us off with a warning? |
| Cop | Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good. |
| Cop | The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me? |
| Brian Griffin | [Slave voice] Lordy, I’ll never roam again! |
| Brian Griffin | Jackass. |
| Peter Griffin | He’s the law outside this house just like I’m the law inside this house. |
| Peter Griffin | And you better start obeying both of us. |
| Brian Griffin | Look at you. |
| Brian Griffin | Big man, can’t even afford to buy an air conditioner for your family. |
| Stewie Griffin | What a bitch. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: Good morning Quahog. The heat wave has finally broken. |
| Tom Tucker | It sure has. You know what they say, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, go back where you came from. “ |
| Diane Simmons | I don’t think that’s the expression. |
| Tom Tucker | I guess I had too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway… |
| Tom Tucker | [Belching] |
| Tom Tucker | God. I hope the boss isn’t watching. |
| Diane Simmons | [Laughing] |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning. |
| Peter Griffin | Something smells good. |
| Lois Griffin | Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube. |
| Dough Boy | [Giggling] |
| Dough Boy | Nothing says “I love you” like something from… |
| Dough Boy | What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch? |
| Lois Griffin | These oughta cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite. |
| Peter Griffin | Really? |
| Peter Griffin | I could’ve sworn his favorite was “treat Peter like crap” buns. |
| Lois Griffin | Good morning, Brian. |
| Lois Griffin | My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn’t it, Peter? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. Must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra. |
| Peter Griffin | But I would do anything for you, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | I’ll be on the veranda since you’re already on the cross. |
| Lois Griffin | Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns. |
| Brian Griffin | May I have one on a plate or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, Brian, stop this. |
| Lois Griffin | Can’t you two go back to the way you used to be? |
| [Ragtime music playing] | |
| Brian Griffin | We can’t go back to the way things were after how I was treated. |
| Brian Griffin | Not after the things I’ve seen. |
| Chris Griffin | What did you see? Was it breasts? |
| Peter Griffin | Get over it, Brian. I mean, how bad do you really have it here? |
| Peter Griffin | When I found you, you were just a stray. |
| Brian Griffin | You swore you would never speak of that. |
| Peter Griffin | No, thank you. I just had it cleaned. |
| Peter Griffin | No. Jeez. |
| Brian Griffin | All set, sir. |
| Peter Griffin | I don’t have any change. Sorry. |
| Brian Griffin | That’s okay. No charge. |
| [Sad instrumental music] | |
| Peter Griffin | Wait. |
| Peter Griffin | [Stammering] |
| Peter Griffin | You hungry? |
| Peter Griffin | Because my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. |
| Peter Griffin | Out of this world. |
| Peter Griffin | Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here. |
| Peter Griffin | Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog. |
| Brian Griffin | How dare you? |
| Peter Griffin | How dare I? Where do you think you’re going? |
| Brian Griffin | Out! |
| Peter Griffin | You’re not going anywhere without your leash! |
| Brian Griffin | I don’t need your damn leash, or you! |
| Brian Griffin | I’m going for a walk. |
| Peter Griffin | Don’t worry. He won’t get far without this. |
| Brian Griffin | And a pack of Eldorados, unfiltered. |
| Brian Griffin | What? That. Yeah. I’ll clean that up on my way out. |
| Clerk | See that sign? |
| Clerk | Now why don’t you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? |
| Brian Griffin | I don’t want any trouble. |
| Daughter | Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness? |
| Mother | What do you mean, honey? |
| Daughter | You know. Have you ever felt not so fresh? |
| Mother | I’m not sure what you’re… I don’t follow you. |
| Daughter | Have you ever felt like you’re dirty? |
| Daughter | Down there? |
| Mother | [Exclaiming] |
| Mother | God, no! |
| Lois Griffin | That was Brian’s favorite commercial. |
| Peter Griffin | “Brian”? No, it’s not ringing a bell. |
| Lois Griffin | Stop it! We all miss him. |
| Lois Griffin | Go find him, apologize, and bring him home. |
| Peter Griffin | You heard him. He doesn’t want to be a part of this family. |
| Peter Griffin | We don’t need him. We’ll get another pet. |
| Meg Griffin | No way, Dad. No one can take Brian’s place. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Silence! |
| Stewie Griffin | That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak! |
| Stewie Griffin | Let’s get a kitty! |
| Peter Griffin | See, gang? Stewie’s got the right idea. |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t know, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, trust me. |
| Peter Griffin | We’ll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better. |
| Cat | [Hissing] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy. |
| Peter Griffin | That’s a good kitty. |
| Peter Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell was that? |
| Brian Griffin | Something near a window. Preferably a booth. |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen! |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah, that’s authentic Italian. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Don’t do that. That’s what they expect you to do. |
| Brian Griffin | Okay, fine for you. But what about your puppies? |
| Brian Griffin | And your puppies’ puppies? Am I the only one who’s outraged here? |
| Brian Griffin | I’m sorry. Enjoy your dinner. |
| Peter Griffin | How come you’re still setting a place for Brian? |
| Lois Griffin | Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts. |
| Lois Griffin | I know you’re thinking about him, too, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Look, Lois, he broke his promise to me. Besides, we have a new pet. |
| Peter Griffin | And we love our fluffy kitty. |
| Woman | Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain? |
| Cop | Hey, you! |
| Cop | COP: Stay! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] | |
| [Shouting] | |
| Brian Griffin | Joyce DeWitt? So that’s where you’ve been. |
| Security Guard | Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station. |
| Brian Griffin | My blind guy’s in the john. |
| Security Guard | I’ll point him in your direction. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Brian’s tennis ball. |
| Peter Griffin | Man, he loved to play with this thing. |
| Referee | REFEREE: Double fault! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Brian. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, why don’t you just admit you miss Brian? |
| Peter Griffin | You’re right, Lois. Who am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him. |
| [Cat howling] | |
| Peter Griffin | God, I hate this freaking cat. |
| Brian Griffin | Can you spare some change? |
| Man | Why? So you can go buy yourself another bottle of booze? |
| Man | Why don’t you make something of your life, like this dog? |
| Brian Griffin | That’s me! I mean, that was me. |
| Man | MAN: Yeah, sure. |
| Brian Griffin | No, I mean it. That was me. |
| Man | Get away from me, you crazy animal! |
| Brian Griffin | You want me to be a crazy animal? Okay, I’m a crazy animal! |
| Man | Stop! Help! |
| Man | Help! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: All right, who wants to be next? You? You? |
| Peter Griffin | Brian! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I’m here to bring you… |
| Cop | COP: You’re going downtown, pal. |
| Peter Griffin | …home. |
| Brian Griffin | Hi. How’s it going? |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, God. I know karate! |
| Brian Griffin | [Kung fu noises] |
| [Dog growling] | |
| Brian Griffin | Look! A tasty little baby! |
| Brian Griffin | I see somebody’s been neutered. |
| Cop | Come on, sugar. It’s time. |
| Brian Griffin | Thank God. |
| Judge | He’s cute. Aren’t you precious? Lethal injection. Next! |
| Brian Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, no! |
| Peter Griffin | You can’t do this! |
| Judge | Who’s up for a little lunch? Something festive. |
| Judge | Did someone say Tex-Mex? |
| Cop | I’m sorry, sugar. |
| Brian Griffin | Help me. |
| Peter Griffin | Don’t worry. I’ll get you out of this. |
| Peter Griffin | I’ll get us the best help there is. |
| Peter Griffin | “Dear MacGuyver… |
| Peter Griffin | Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. |
| Peter Griffin | Please save my dog.” |
| Lois Griffin | You’re looking well. |
| Brian Griffin | Don’t get too close. They say I’m dangerous. |
| Brian Griffin | That’s why the man’s gonna put me down. |
| Lois Griffin | Don’t say that, Brian. Peter is working on your appeal. |
| Lois Griffin | You’ll see. Everything’s gonna work out. |
| Brian Griffin | I may have been born with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is. |
| Brian Griffin | I’m a second-class citizen, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | Great news! The City Council agreed to hear your case! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: You’re kidding! If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all. |
| Brian Griffin | I don’t know how to thank you. |
| Lois Griffin | We’re family. This is what we do for each other. |
| Lois Griffin | Right, Peter? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, don’t stare! |
| [Intense instrumental music] | |
| ? | Good luck, sweetness. |
| ? | Thanks, Felicia. |
| Judge | This meeting was called to review the judgment in City of Quahog v. Brian Griffin. |
| Brian Griffin | Justice, for all? Or for some? |
| Brian Griffin | Does a dog not feel? |
| Brian Griffin | If you scratch him, does his leg not shake? |
| Brian Griffin | Yes, he is man’s best friend. But what manner of friend is man? |
| Brian Griffin | I would like to cite the case of Plessy v. Ferguson… |
| Judge | Wait a minute. Why are we listening to a dog? |
| Judge | Take him away! |
| Brian Griffin | Does not every dog have his day? |
| Peter Griffin | Wait! Please! I gotta say something! |
| Peter Griffin | Look, all Brian’s ever wanted is the same respect he gives us. |
| Peter Griffin | That and Snausages. He’s mental for those Snausages. |
| Peter Griffin | And sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he’s sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the “oodmay” but Brian won’t “amscray.” |
| Lois Griffin | Peter… |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. |
| Peter Griffin | Look. The point is, he’s a member of our family first and a dog second. |
| Peter Griffin | And I’m real sorry I forgot that, buddy. |
| Peter Griffin | Sometimes we all need a second chance. |
| Peter Griffin | Sometimes we all need to forgive! |
| Chris Griffin | I stole $10 from Meg’s room! |
| Meg Griffin | I stole $10 from Mom’s purse! |
| Lois Griffin | I’ve been making counterfeit $10 bills for years. |
| Judge | Mr. Griffin, this dog is a danger to society. |
| Judge | Albeit an articulate and charismatic one. |
| Judge | But the law is the law and can’t be circumvented by pretty words. |
| Peter Griffin | I’ll give you each $20. |
| Judge | Deal. He can go. |
| [AII cheering] | |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Mistrial, damn you! Mistrial! |
| [Triumphant instrumental music] | |
| Cop | No. Let him go. |
| Lois Griffin | Anybody want more pizza rolls? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder She Wrote. |
| Jessica Fletcher | Charles Montrose, after all these years. |
| Charles Montrose | Jessica Fletcher! Why I haven’t seen you since you had the… |
| Jessica Fletcher | You can say it, Charles. I’m not ashamed. Abortion. |
| Peter Griffin | So she’s the murderer! |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, kids. Bedtime. |
| Lois Griffin | Good night, Brian. And welcome home. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Good night, you guys. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Good night. |
| Stewie Griffin | Dog? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah? |
| Stewie Griffin | If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you. |
| [Theme music] |
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