Chitty Chitty Death Bang Transcript

(Season 1 Episode 3)
Lois Griffin [Singing] “It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin “is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin “But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin “on which we used to rely?
All “Lucky there’s a family guy
All “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you
All “all the things that make us
Stewie Griffin “laugh ‘n’ cry
All “He’s a family guy”
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois Griffin Everything’s all set for Stewie’s birthday party.
Peter Griffin I can’t believe he’s almost a year old.
Lois Griffin Yeah. I’ll never forget the day he was born.
Dr. Hartman DOCTOR: One more push, Lois.
Dr. Hartman DOCTOR: This is a miracle, Mr. Griffin. Would you like to see?
Peter Griffin PETER: Yeah, I’ve never actually seen a baby being… Oh, God!
Dr. Hartman DOCTOR: Congratulations. It’s a boy.
Dr. Hartman DOCTOR: Wait a minute. I don’t think we’re through.
Lois Griffin Oh, my God! Is it twins?
Dr. Hartman DOCTOR: No. It’s a map of Europe.
[Sinister instrumental music]
Lois Griffin I confirmed everything with the birthday party planner at Cheesie Charlie’s.
Peter Griffin Why Cheesie Charlie’s?
Chris Griffin They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win four quarters!
Chris Griffin I win every time! I get to go, right?
Peter Griffin Why can’t we have the same kind of party we always do?
Lois Griffin Peter, this could be our last first birthday ever.
Lois Griffin When Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything.
[Kids chattering]
Lois Griffin [Sighs]
Peter Griffin PETER: Lois, you won’t believe this! Meg just said “Da-Da!”
Lois Griffin Her first words?
Peter Griffin Then she stood up by herself and started walking!
Lois Griffin Her first steps?
Peter Griffin Yeah.
Lois Griffin What the hell are you doing in here anyway?
[Drums playing]
Peter Griffin PETER: All right! Her first drum solo.
[Applause]
Lois Griffin Thanks to Cheesie Charlie I’m not gonna miss a moment of Stewie’s party.
Stewie Griffin I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?
Stewie Griffin A little service here!
Lois Griffin Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you.
Stewie Griffin Plans? What the devil are you talking about?
Chris Griffin It’s your birthday, dude.
Lois Griffin Saturday’s gonna be real special, honey.
Lois Griffin I’ve hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right.
Stewie Griffin A professional? There’s treachery afoot!
Meg Griffin [Crying]
Peter Griffin Meg, you’re home late.
Meg Griffin I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading.
Peter Griffin Don’t keep me in suspense. How’d you do?
Meg Griffin I’ll give you a hint.
Meg Griffin I S-U-C-K-E-D! Sucked!
Peter Griffin Yay!
Peter Griffin I mean, sorry, honey.
Meg Griffin MEG: God, I hate high school. I don’t fit in with anyone.
Peter Griffin Boy. Do I know that feeling.
[Suspenseful, jazzy instrumental music]
Dancer Okay, man. Okay. You are really throwing me off.
Dancer It’s step-kick, step-twirl. Got it?
Peter Griffin I thought we were gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks.
Dancer Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we’re not.
Dancer From the top, people! Why don’t you just hang back and stretch?
Meg Griffin I don’t get it.
Meg Griffin The more I try to make friends, the more people hate me.
Peter Griffin Listen. You’re a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own.
Peter Griffin Now, see, that’s what people hate.
Meg Griffin Really?
Peter Griffin I’m telling you, just be the girl you think everyone else wants you to be.
Meg Griffin Wow, it’s so obvious.
Meg Griffin Thanks, Daddy.
Meg Griffin MEG: Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.
Lois Griffin I haven’t seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house.
Hanson Boy Hi. Can we use your phone?
Peter Griffin Holy crap! It’s The Children of the Corn!
Peter Griffin Meg and I had a little father-daughter talk.
Lois Griffin It seems to have worked.
Peter Griffin I wasn’t just blowing smoke when I bought this T-shirt.
Lois Griffin Well, you’re the number-one husband, too.
Peter Griffin I know. That’s why I bought this T-shirt.
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: “Dear Diary…
Stewie Griffin “It seems the domestic overseers are plotting against me.
Stewie Griffin “Their plans somehow relate to the anniversary of my escape from the womb.
Stewie Griffin “I’m still haunted by the memories of how I was incarcerated…
Stewie Griffin “…in that amniotic Attica.
[Epic instrumental music]
Stewie Griffin “As I recall, it was every potential man for himself.
[Whooshing]
Stewie Griffin “I alone had reached the target objective, thanks to the intrepidity…
Stewie Griffin “…I developed at testicular boot camp. But it was a trap!
Stewie Griffin “I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for nine grueling months. “
Stewie Griffin Day 171. I’ve sprouted another finger, counting the one from yesterday.
Stewie Griffin I’m up to 11.
Stewie Griffin “As the months of solitude passed, I began to go insane.
Stewie Griffin “It seemed my prison cell was getting smaller and smaller.
Stewie Griffin “I was quite sure that soon I would be dead.
Stewie Griffin “But then, a miracle! There was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Stewie Griffin “I rushed to freedom, but suddenly I was ambushed by a mysterious man in white! “
Stewie Griffin The man in white. Of course.
Stewie Griffin He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke.
Stewie Griffin He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world.
Stewie Griffin And now, one year hence, he’s returning to rectify his mistake and put me back in the womb!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Girl 1 Boy, it sure is great being thin and popular.
Girl 2 Let’s throw up.
Girl 1 Sure!
Girl 3 Good idea!
Girl 3 I love throwing up.
Girls [Laughing]
[Sighs]
Jennifer Hi. I’m Jennifer.
Meg Griffin I’m Meg.
Jennifer My God. Your hair is so beautiful. I just want to brush it.
Meg Griffin Really?
Meg Griffin You want to go throw up?
[Western instrumental music]
Chris Griffin Hey, Dad, let’s go whack some moles!
Peter Griffin Now, Chris, we’re not here for fun.
[Children giggling]
Peter Griffin Now your mom is counting on us to drop off the deposit.
Peter Griffin So let’s just deliver the check and…
Peter Griffin PETER: Hong Kong Phooey!
Chris Griffin Yeah! Come on! Go, yeah! Eat my dust!
Peter Griffin PETER: Come on, move it! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great.
Peter Griffin Pull over, you bastard!
Peter Griffin Pull over, you bastard!
Peter Griffin Man.
Chris Griffin CHRIS: Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom. Look, I won a balloon!
Peter Griffin Yeah, way to go, Chris.
Peter Griffin Where’s
my watch?
Boy All right. I won a watch. What’s The Dukes of Hazzard?.
Peter Griffin That’s mine. Come on. Come on, give that back!
Peter Griffin Give it!
Peter Griffin Come on!
Uncle Jesse UNCLE JESSE: Folks in Hazzard County hadn’t seen a watch fight in a long time.
Uncle Jesse Them boys rassled for a full five minutes before the manager stepped in.
Peter Griffin Come on!
Boy Hands off, fatty!
Employee Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Peter Griffin I’m a paying customer.
Peter Griffin I got a deposit check for my kid’s party right here.
Employee Mr. Griffin. I am terribly sorry.
Employee We’re really looking forward to Stewie’s special day.
Peter Griffin Now I don’t know, after the emotional trauma I’ve endured on your premises, I think I deserve a little discount.
Employee Sir, our prices are set by the corporate office.
Peter Griffin Then maybe I’ll just take my business elsewhere.
Peter Griffin Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday.
Man MAN: I got cash!
Woman WOMAN: I’ll take it!
Employee Suit yourself.
Peter Griffin Wait. I was just bluffing. My wife has her heart set on this place.
[Peter yells after him]
Peter Griffin Chris, this is a big day for you. The day you become the man of the house.
Peter Griffin Because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Stewie Griffin So the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb, is he?
Stewie Griffin If I’m to defeat him, I shall require professional forces.
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: Here we are. “Come to Managua, the Mecca of mercenaries.”
Stewie Griffin I must prepare for my journey.
Stewie Griffin Let’s see. Grenades, mace, baggy full of Cheerios…
Lois Griffin So, are we all set at Cheesie Charlie’s?
Peter Griffin Actually, I canceled the reservation.
Lois Griffin What?
Lois Griffin How could you?
Peter Griffin Lois, I got a very good reason.
Brian Griffin Wait a second.
Brian Griffin These are always classic.
Peter Griffin Lois, that Cheesie Charlie’s is no good. See, it happened like this.
[Spooky instrumental music]
[Screaming]
Employee Welcome to Cheesie Charlie’s. Heil, Hitler!
Peter Griffin Actually, the name’s Griffin.
Peter Griffin I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealing wife, Lois.
Employee Yes. We’re all set for your little boy’s party.
Peter Griffin I understand we’re getting a terrific bargain here.
Employee Absolutely. The children get to play our games.
Employee And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize.
Boy I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough?
Employee Sorry, Timmy. But you need 15 tickets to live.
Boy [Screaming]
Employee They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice-cream flavors vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people.
Peter Griffin What was that?
Employee Chocolate. Give me the check.
Peter Griffin Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place but I love my family too much to risk their lives.
Peter Griffin Come on, Chris. We’re leaving.
Employee No, you’re not!
Peter Griffin Please don’t make me angry, pal. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
[Eerie instrumental music]
Lois Griffin All right, Peter. That’s enough!
Brian Griffin Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.
Lois Griffin Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie’s?
Lois Griffin I had to book it the day of my ultrasound.
Lois Griffin We’ll never find another place in time!
Lois Griffin For once, it was all gonna be so perfect!
Peter Griffin Come on, Lois. It’ll still be perfect. We’ll give him the best birthday ever right here in the safety and comfort of our own home.
Lois Griffin Peter, we’ve been over this.
Peter Griffin Honey, you won’t have to lift a finger.
Peter Griffin I got us a clown, a cake, a petting zoo, a big-ass pi
Lois Griffin You got all those things?
Peter Griffin You bet I did.
Lois Griffin Wow.
Lois Griffin Even Cheesie Charlie’s doesn’t have a petting zoo.
Lois Griffin Okay, I’ll call the parents and let them know the party’s here.
Brian Griffin You don’t have any of those things.
Peter Griffin How do you know?
Brian Griffin Face it. You’re a terrible liar.
Man [Sniffing]
Prieter It was you.
Brian Griffin Clowns and petting zoos book months in advance.
Brian Griffin You’re gonna have a tough time finding a… Hold on.
Driver DRIVER: Ya! Ya!
[Horses neighing]
Brian Griffin Some day.
Ticket Agent Hey there, little boy. Are you lost?
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: Now, listen to me, Jolene.
Stewie Griffin I’ve got an army to raise, and I must get to Nicaragua.
Stewie Griffin I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles!
Stewie Griffin God help you if I find pickles.
Ticket Agent Henry, I have a lost little boy.
Henry Hey there, little fella. Why don’t you come with me?
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: Damn you! You’re one of them, aren’t you?
Stewie Griffin What are they paying you? I’ll double it!
Stewie Griffin I’ll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?
Chris Griffin Dad, what are we doing here again?
Peter Griffin Pigs, Chris. We’re getting pigs for Stewie’s petting zoo.
[BIower starting]
[Pig squealing]
[Pigs squealing]
[Motor stopping]
Peter Griffin Crafty swine.
? UPS.
? Little bastards ain’t as smart as…
Meg Griffin Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home.
Lois Griffin Meg, you made a friend.
Jennifer JENNIFER: What a lovely house, Mrs. G.
Jennifer Meg, you didn’t tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart.
Lois Griffin Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I’m really very nice.
Jennifer You know what’s nice? Having a friend like Meg. And kittens.
Jennifer It was super swell meeting you. Bye, Meg. Friends forever.
Meg Griffin Forever and ever.
[Giddy laughter]
Jennifer Wow! What a great yard!
Meg Griffin Guess what, Mom? Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday.
Lois Griffin This Saturday? Meg, you can’t miss Stewie’s first birthday.
Meg Griffin MEG: But Mom…
Lois Griffin Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie’s party.
Lois Griffin And that includes you. Understood?
Meg Griffin I can’t believe you’d put your family before your own daughter!
Brian Griffin She’s a whiny little runt, isn’t she?
Brian Griffin I said “runt.”
Peter Griffin I don’t think I’m in the right place.
Peter Griffin I’m looking for a guy to entertain the kids at my son’s birthday.
Man Sure. I can do that.
Peter Griffin You do children’s parties?
Man Yeah. I can do, like, a handstand, and some somersaults maybe.
Man I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web.
Henry Do you know your phone number, son?
Stewie Griffin The only way you’ll get me to talk is through slow, painful torture.
Stewie Griffin And I don’t think you’ve got the grapes!
Henry It sounds like you don’t want to go home.
Are you running away?
Stewie Griffin Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing!
Henry You know, son, running away never solves anything.
Henry You’re getting to be a big boy now.
Henry And part of growing up means facing your problems head on.
Stewie Griffin The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.
Stewie Griffin You’re saying I must return to face this man in white myself. So be it.
Stewie Griffin As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!
Brian Griffin Peter, you’ve only got a couple of hours left.
Brian Griffin If you pull a party out of your ass, you’ll want to stand up.
Meg Griffin My friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with her friends.
Meg Griffin Can I go?
Peter Griffin I won’t fall for this trick. Did you ask your mother?
Meg Griffin Yes.
Peter Griffin Okay, then. Have fun, sweetheart.
Meg Griffin Thanks, Daddy!
Peter Griffin Brian, Stewie’s birthday is gonna suck.
Peter Griffin The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pi
Brian Griffin I sure hope candy comes out of that.
Peter Griffin Face it, Brian. I’m a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.
Peter Griffin I’ll never be able to face Lois.
Brian Griffin The circus is in town. Maybe you could run away and join it.
Peter Griffin The circus!
[Marching band playing]
[Elephant trumpeting]
Neighbor Hi. This is the right day, isn’t it?
Lois Griffin Oh, yes. Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party, I hope.
Peter Griffin Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party an elephant and a big fat white guy who’s threatened by change.
Lois Griffin Peter, this is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined.
Peter Griffin PETER: Yeah. Where’s Stewie?
Lois Griffin He’s upstairs, resting up for his big day.
[Oriental instrumental music]
Lois Griffin I’ll get him. If you see Meg, tell her to take plenty of pictures.
Peter Griffin Meg’s not here. She went to a friend’s house.
Lois Griffin What? She’s gonna miss Stewie’s birthday.
Peter Griffin I dropped her off an hour ago. Boy, is she gonna be sorry, or what?
Lois Griffin Peter. How could you let her go?
Peter Griffin What’s the big deal? So Meg’s with her new friends.
Peter Griffin They seemed like some nice kids.
Jennifer JENNIFER: I’m glad you could join us. We’re gonna have a great time on our trip.
Meg Griffin A trip? Like to the beach? Because I didn’t bring my swimsuit.
Jennifer You won’t need anything where we’re going.
Jennifer Excuse me. I’ve gotta go mix the punch.
[Whimsical music playing]
[Whimsical music playing]
Chris Griffin CHRIS: Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
Peter Griffin Come on, Lois. I hate to see you so upset.
Peter Griffin We got animals. We got clowns.
Peter Griffin I mean, a party couldn’t be any better if Jesus himself showed up.
Jesus Okay, everybody. For my next miracle, I’m gonna turn water into funk.
[Disco music playing]
Lois Griffin Peter, the circus is terrific. But it’s not just Stewie’s birthday.
Lois Griffin We’re also celebrating the day our family became whole.
Lois Griffin Today means nothing if Meg isn’t here.
Jennifer Meg, you seem sad. Today’s a happy day.
Meg Griffin I know. It’s just that I really like that guy over there.
Meg Griffin But he doesn’t even know I exist. He must think I’m a total dog.
Jennifer That is so not true.
Meg Griffin Then what is it?
Jennifer He’s a eunuch.
Meg Griffin Really?
Jennifer Sure. All the guys here have been castrated.
Jennifer It’s cool.
Boy 1 Do you think that girl is hot?
Boy 2 No.
Boy 1 Me neither.
[Elephant trumpeting]
Brian Griffin Hey, you. Hit me.
Brian Griffin There. Now, if I can just find a midget with some gin, I’ll be in business.
Brian Griffin Where are you off to?
Peter Griffin I gotta make things right for Lois and get this monkey off my back.
Peter Griffin PETER: Ow! Knock it off!
Stewie Griffin All right, men, the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb.
Stewie Griffin Today he comes for me, but tomorrow it could be you or you!
Stewie Griffin I offer you the opportunity to join me in glorious battle.
Stewie Griffin I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not developed.
Stewie Griffin Sadly, you will be used as decoys.
Stewie Griffin But your children’s children will know that you fell for a noble cause.
Stewie Griffin Now, who’s with me?
Girl Duckie?
Stewie Griffin Useless, every one of you! Fine.
Stewie Griffin I’ll defend myself, and the hell with all of you!
Stewie Griffin There, I’ve gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?
[Gong goes off]
Jennifer Our leader is here to take us on our journey!
Cult Leader My children, rejoice. The hour of transformation is close at hand.
Cult Leader Who are you?
Jennifer This is Meg, wise one. Can she come with us?
Cult Leader Perhaps. Do you have a mind that seeks enlightenment and a heart that seeks purity?
Meg Griffin Not really.
Cult Leader Okay. Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
Meg Griffin Wow, that sort of sounds more like me.
Cult Leader Great! Then all you need is a dark-blue jogging suit.
Cult Leader Let’s see what we have in stock.
Cult Leader What are you? About a 9?
Meg Griffin No. A 6.
Cult Leader Right. Dispense the refreshments.
Peter Griffin Meg, there you are.
Meg Griffin Dad, what are you doing here? I’m so embarrassed, I could die!
Boy GUY: Not before the rest of us!
Peter Griffin Meg, your mother wants the family together today.
Meg Griffin It’s just Stewie’s birthday. So what if I’m not there?
Meg Griffin Who’s gonna remember?
Peter Griffin Your mom will, trust me. She remembers everything.
Peter Griffin In fact, she always says the best memories she has are when you kids were born.
Peter Griffin Meg, that’s it. This day is more for your mom than it is for Stewie.
Peter Griffin With all she’s given us, she oughta get whatever she wants.
Peter Griffin And, Meg, today she wants you to be with the family.
Meg Griffin Really?
Meg Griffin Daddy, you must think I’m the worst daughter ever.
Peter Griffin No you’re not, honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?
Meg Griffin I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish.
Boy 1 I miss my mom.
Boy 2 Me, too.
Boy 2 I also miss my nads.
Jennifer Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie’s party, too?
Peter Griffin Sure. The more the merrier.
Jennifer Meg, you have the coolest family.
Peter Griffin She sure does.
Peter Griffin Here’s to family!
All To family!
Peter Griffin Jeez, look at the time! Come on.
Peter Griffin Come on, kids. Let’s get going.
[Bodies falling over]
Peter Griffin Sorry, Meg.
Peter
Griffin
It’s another bunch of people that’d rather fake death than go to a party with you.
Cult Leader Children, the time of ascension has arrived.
Cult Leader For the love of God. Haven’t any of you ever been in a cult before?
Cult Leader Damn it! I can’t achieve transcendence by myself.
Cult Leader That would just make me some kind of Ione nut.
Cult Leader Somebody’s got to die with me.
Cult Leader Come back, Meg!
Cult Leader Whoops. Can’t forget my ceremonial white robe.
Lois Griffin I guess there’s nothing left but the birthday cake.
Meg Griffin MEG: Right here!
Lois Griffin Meg!
Meg Griffin I’m sorry, Mom.
Lois Griffin Thank you, Peter.
Peter Griffin No problem. I cannot wait to taste this cake.
Peter Griffin The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic.
Lois Griffin Peter, there’s a naked man on this cake.
Peter Griffin There were only two left.
Peter Griffin And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
Lois Griffin Gather round, everyone. It’s time for Stewie’s big moment.
[Knocking]
Cult Leader LEADER: Hello?
Cult Leader Is anybody home?
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: Greetings, man in white. I’ve been expecting you.
Cult Leader Who said that?
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: Peek-a-boo! I see you!
Stewie Griffin You’re getting warmer.
Cult Leader Where are you? What do you want?
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: Freedom! What do you want?
Cult Leader I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie Griffin STEWIE: I’m sorry. We’re fresh out of that. I’m afraid all that’s left is untimely death.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Cult Leader What the hell is this?
Stewie Griffin It’s a boy!
[Energy pulsing]
Lois Griffin Anybody seen Stewie?
Meg Griffin Yeah. Where is the birthday boy?
Stewie Griffin Victory is mine!
Lois Griffin Yes. And this cake is yours, too.
Lois Griffin Stewie, make a wish. If you blow out the candle, it’ll come true.
Peter Griffin That’s right, little buddy. What do you want most in the whole world?
Stewie Griffin In the whole world, you say?
[Bombs whistling]
[Troops marching]
[Bombs exploding]
Stewie Griffin What the hell.
[Disco music playing]
[Theme music]
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