Da Boom! Transcript
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] “It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | “is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | “But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | “on which we used to rely? |
| All | “Lucky there’s a family guy |
| All | “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you |
| All | “all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | “laugh ‘n’ cry |
| All | “He’s a family guy” |
| Diane Simmons | And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years. |
| Tom Tucker | We leave you this New Year’s Eve with a look back at those we’ve lost this millennium. |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] | |
| Meg Griffin | Kevin asked me to Quagmire’s millennium party! I am so psyched! |
| Peter Griffin | There’s nothing like a party at someone else’s house. |
| Peter Griffin | You never have to worry about cleaning. |
| [Chanting conga music] | |
| Looks like someone’s going to a big party tonight. | |
| You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. | |
| Here’s a coupon. | |
| Peter Griffin | Whoa, look, pal. I don’t take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah. And that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon. |
| Clerk | I’m sorry. This has expired. |
| Peter Griffin | You son of a… |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] | |
| [Intense instrumental music] | |
| Man 1 | I’m gonna need these by Friday. |
| Man 2 | Is that gonna give us enough time to crosscheck the… |
| Peter Griffin | Chicken gave me a bad coupon. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] | |
| Peter Griffin | Some other time, pal. |
| Chicken Mascot | There won’t be any other time. |
| Chicken Mascot | The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K! |
| Peter Griffin | Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly? |
| Chicken Mascot | Haven’t you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! |
| Chicken Mascot | Planes will fall out of the sky and the world’s nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet! |
| Peter Griffin | No! |
| Peter Griffin | Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids. |
| Peter Griffin | Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry. What were you saying? |
| Cleveland | Hey, in case you didn’t know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for “party over here”! |
| Peter Griffin | Forget the party. |
| Peter Griffin | The world’s gonna end! Y2K! I heard it from a chicken-man. |
| [Laughing] | |
| Cleveland | Oh, Peter, you are the height of just-too-mucherie. |
| Peter Griffin | Laugh all you want. |
| Peter Griffin | But when you die, you’ll have to go to heaven. |
| Peter Griffin | And you know what? |
| Peter Griffin | I bet you run into those two dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. |
| Peter Griffin | You won’t know which one is which. |
| Peter Griffin | And it’s going to be really awkward. So bite me. |
| Brian Griffin | Can you help me with these damn studs? |
| Lois Griffin | Aren’t you a little over-dressed? |
| Brian Griffin | Actually, I’m just stopping off at Quagmire’s. |
| Brian Griffin | There’s a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and I’m trying to nail the flautist. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Stewie! You’re adorable! |
| Lois Griffin | Yes. I rather like the sash. But do the Huggies make my ass look big? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, come on! You’ve had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. |
| Lois Griffin | It always takes him so long to get dressed. |
| Lois Griffin | We’re gonna be late for my cousin’s wedding. |
| Lois Griffin | Aren’t you dressed yet? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, crap. |
| Peter Griffin | One of us is gonna have to change. |
| Peter Griffin | Unzip me. |
| Lois Griffin | Where’s your father? |
| Meg Griffin | He’s still down in the basement. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you’ve been down there all day. I hope you’re already… |
| Chris Griffin | Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, ET, run! |
| ET | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | The end of the world is coming. Get in your radiation suits. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, we are not missing a once-in-a-lifetime event because of some wacko doomsday theory. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. Hey, guys. |
| Peter Griffin | You know that one Christmas present you really wanted but didn’t get? |
| Man | A phone? |
| Chris Griffin | A pony? |
| Brian Griffin | A humidor? |
| Stewie Griffin | A dead Lois? |
| Peter Griffin | It’s in the basement. Come on. Let’s go see. |
| Meg Griffin | My own phone! |
| Chris Griffin | I’m gonna name him Sparky. |
| Lois Griffin | What the hell? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, if you want to stay here, that’s fine. But we’re going to the party. Kids! |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, are you pregnant? |
| Lois Griffin | No. |
| [Loud crashing] | |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, dear me. Yes. This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. |
| Stewie Griffin | Locked in a basement with imbeciles dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong. |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks a lot, Peter. |
| Brian Griffin | I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat’s ass about Vivaldi. |
| Meg Griffin | And I could be getting felt up by Kevin. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, don’t you give it all away up front. Make him work for it. |
| Lois Griffin | And shame on you, Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | Scaring the kids with your nuclear-holocaust nonsense. |
| Peter Griffin | You said “nuclear.” It’s “nucular,” dummy. The “S” is silent. |
| Chris Griffin | It’s almost midnight. |
| Diane Simmons | We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. |
| Diane Simmons | Trisha, what can you tell us? |
| Trishia Takanawa | Diane, Quahog’s fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium. |
| Crowd | 10, 9, 8… |
| Peter Griffin | This is it! |
| Crowd | ALL:6, 5, 4… |
| Peter Griffin | Hold on tight! |
| Crowd | 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year! |
| [Cheering] | |
| Brian Griffin | A flautist, Peter! |
| Lois Griffin | Well, I hope you’re happy. |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, kids. We can still make the party if we… |
| [Earth rumbling] | |
| [Whooshing] | |
| Military Guy | Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. |
| Lieutenant | Actually, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself. |
| Lieutenant | The pattern is just a coincidence. |
| Military Guy | Now that you mention it, the “Y” is a little misshapen. |
| Military Guy | Still, it’s pretty amazing. |
| [Explosion] | |
| Bill Clinton | Oh, what the hell. Come here, Hillary. |
| ??? | What did I miss? |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! Anybody else feel that? |
| Peter Griffin | Good morning, family. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, you remember when I was the third Hardy Boy? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, there was no third Hardy Boy. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse? |
| Peter Griffin | He shoots! He scores! |
| [Crashing] | |
| Lois Griffin | Okay, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right. |
| Lois Griffin | Can we please just drop it? |
| Meg Griffin | It’s just not fair. |
| Meg Griffin | I finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporized! |
| Chris Griffin | He’s just using that as an excuse. |
| Chris Griffin | [Laughs] |
| Lois Griffin | Let’s just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free. |
| Cleveland | I said I can do it. |
| Quagmire | Shut up! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Clevemire. |
| Quagmire | That’s “Quagland.” |
| Cleveland | Quagland? You must be dreaming. |
| Quagmire | Not about kicking your fat ass! |
| Lois Griffin | Boys, please. You used to be so close. |
| Quagmire | Sorry, Lois. |
| Cleveland | We’re a little crabby, on account of the fact that neither one of us has had any food since we got fused together. |
| Lois Griffin | Wow. We just finished off what was left in the kitchen. |
| Lois Griffin | When I think of all the food we’ve wasted in this house… |
| Peter Griffin | Here, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch. Come on. |
| Peter Griffin | None for you, Higgins! Trying to steal Tom Selleck’s food! |
| Peter Griffin | No. You’ve had yours! |
| Lois Griffin | Thank goodness, Peter bought a supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year’s worth of food! |
| Peter Griffin | What a waste of money. I’m still hungry. |
| [Slushy oozing] | |
| Peter Griffin | Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: So much for finding food at the Stop ‘N Shop. |
| Peter Griffin | Figures. The one time I remember my Value Club Card. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a minute. I smell barbecue. |
| [Gasping] | |
| Tom Tucker | So what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what? |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: Delicious, Tom. |
| Tom Tucker | I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Brian Griffin | They’re eating Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. |
| Peter Griffin | That’s crazy. They’re just gonna be hungry again in an hour. |
| Chris Griffin | Come on, Woody. We’re gonna search for food. |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry, Chris. The plant can’t come. |
| Lois Griffin | It’s his best friend. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, it’ll just be another mouth to feed. I’ll take care of Woody, son. |
| [Gunshot] | |
| Chris Griffin | What was that? |
| Peter Griffin | Nothing. Let’s go. |
| Meg Griffin | Go where? If there’s no food in Quahog what makes you think there’s gonna be food anywhere else? |
| Peter Griffin | Everyone knows there are only two things that can survive a nuclear holocaust cockroaches and Twinkees. |
| Peter Griffin | And there’s a Twinkee factory in Natick. |
| ??? | Twinkees? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. I saw a story about them on A&E. |
| TV Announcer | TV ANNOUNCER: And now back to A&E’s Biography, “Twinkee the Kid.” |
| ??? | It was difficult for Twink to play with other children. |
| ??? | He was different. |
| ??? | He was definitely… He had no bones. And he couldn’t really play any sports. |
| Yeah. That’s why we got him the lasso. | |
| Sheila Twinkee | SHEILA: He’d spend hours in the backyard playing Wonder Woman. |
| [Laughing] | |
| Sheila Twinkee | He’s gonna kill me. |
| ??? | He loved that lasso. |
| ??? | Not as much as the baton. |
| ??? | But we put a stop to the baton. |
| ??? | He was different enough. |
| Peter Griffin | If we find that Twinkee factory, we’ll have all the food we need. |
| Lois Griffin | Good-bye, sweet home. Maybe someday we’ll return. |
| Peter Griffin | Joe, can you keep an eye on the place? |
| Joe Swanson | I might as well. I’m melted to the ground. |
| Meg Griffin | There you go, Mr. Swanson. These oughta keep the rats away. |
| Joe Swanson | Thanks, hon. Stay in school! |
| Mutant Rat | [Roaring] |
| Joe Swanson | Bring it on! |
| Lois Griffin | Look, Peter! People! |
| Jorad | JORAD: Halt! |
| Jorad | I am Jorad. |
| Jorad | I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. |
| Jorad | Do you have any food? |
| Peter Griffin | No. That’s why we’re on the road. |
| Jorad | Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. |
| Jorad | Name something you take on a picnic. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Blankets. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Potato salad. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Chicken. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: A dead Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. We’re gonna go with potato salad. |
| Jorad | Show me “potato salad”! |
| Lois Griffin | [Whispering] Maybe we should go now. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Jeez! Out of gas? |
| Chris Griffin | Hey, Dad, look! |
| Old Man | OLD MAN: Howdy, strangers. You look plumb tuckered. |
| Old Man | Like to sit a spell? |
| Lois Griffin | Actually, we are tired. |
| Lois Griffin | And hungry. |
| Old Man | We got plenty of room here and all the fresh apples you can eat. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Peter! We found a new home! |
| Peter Griffin | What? We’re going to Natick! |
| Meg Griffin | For what? A Twinkee factory that might not even exist anymore? |
| Lois Griffin | She’s right. Besides, this place is paradise. |
| Old Man | Sure is. Except for Randy Newman. |
| Lois Griffin | Randy Newman? |
| Old Man | OLD MAN: Yup. Just sits there all night and day singing about what he sees. |
| [Playing piano] | |
| Randy Newman | “Fat man with his kids and dog |
| Randy Newman | “drove in through the morning fog |
| Randy Newman | “Hey there, Rover, come on over” |
| Lois Griffin | It’s nice to have music while we eat. |
| Randy Newman | “Red-headed lady, reaching for an apple |
| Randy Newman | “Gonna take a bite, nope, nope |
| Randy Newman | “She’s gonna breathe on it first |
| Randy Newman | “wipe it on her blouse |
| Randy Newman | “She takes a bite, chews it once |
| Randy Newman | “twice, three times, four times, stops |
| Randy Newman | “The wife is thinking, takes a long, hard look at Randy |
| Randy Newman | “Five times, fat old husband’s walking over” |
| Lois Griffin | Let’s get the hell out of here. |
| Randy Newman | “Yeah, they’re walking down the road |
| All | “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left…” |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: [Singing] “Left foot, right foot, left foot” |
| Lois Griffin | Please, Chris. Mommy’s got a big headache. Stop it! |
| Lois Griffin | Thank you, sweetie. Now, Peter, we’ve gotta find some food. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! Look! |
| Peter Griffin | It’s Natick. |
| All | [Cheering] |
| Peter Griffin | There’s no factory? |
| Stewie Griffin | Very good, fat man! |
| Stewie Griffin | We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it’s brought us! |
| Stewie Griffin | We’re finished! We’re done! Game over, man! Game over! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Damn it! |
| Lois Griffin | Get out of that nuclear waste! |
| Lois Griffin | Who knows what animals have been in there? |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] | |
| [Cheering] | |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: It’s about damn time! |
| Peter Griffin | No words… Should have sent a poet. |
| Peter Griffin | There’s enough food to last us forever! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, we’re saved! You were right. |
| Lois Griffin | We can settle down here and build a house, just like we had in Quahog. |
| Man | We can build a mall, so I’ll have a place to hang out! |
| Chris Griffin | And two Denny’s, so we can always say: |
| Chris Griffin | “Let’s not go there. Let’s go to the good one.” |
| Lois Griffin | We can have Quagland get Joe out of the driveway. |
| Lois Griffin | And we can build a community, just like the one we had. |
| Peter Griffin | No! We’ll build a better one. |
| Peter Griffin | I hereby proclaim this city New Quahog! |
| [Energy pulsating] | |
| Stewie Griffin | This isn’t very good, now, is it? |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
|
| [Cheerful instrumental music] | |
| Quagmire | [Quagmire screaming] |
| Chris Griffin | Guess who? |
| Meg Griffin | Stop it, Chris. |
| Chris Griffin | Wrong! Wait. Did you say “Chris”? |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, time for breakfast! |
| Lois Griffin | Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy? |
| Lois Griffin | What the devil are you talking about? |
| Lois Griffin | Handsome? I’m repugnant! I’m a radio-bloody-active freak! |
| Quagmire | I fold. Come on, let’s go home and get tender with your wife. |
| Cleveland | I don’t know, Quagmire. |
| Cleveland | Lovemaking with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy. |
| Quagmire | All right! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Excuse me, Mr. Mayor. |
| Brian Griffin | An outsider who wishes to join our community. |
| Peter Griffin | Welcome to my fair city! |
| Peter Griffin | If you want to become a citizen, you have to get a job. |
| Man 3 | Before the disaster, I was a physician. |
| Joe Swanson | That’s terrific. We need a doctor. |
| Peter Griffin | We sure do. Let’s hope you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat. |
| Peter Griffin | “Village idiot.” That’s a good one. |
| Peter Griffin | On Tuesdays, you get to wave your penis at traffic. |
| Peter Griffin | Congratulations. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Maybe we should’ve just let him be a doctor. |
| Peter Griffin | No! These are the rules of New Quahog. |
| Peter Griffin | Besides, that’s how everyone else got their jobs. |
| ??? | Go! |
| [Frantic screaming] | |
| Patient | You see, Doc, my back tooth is killing me. |
| Patient | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffiin | And things have worked out fine so far. |
| Quagmire | Peter, no offense, but that’s because we all pitched in. |
| ??? | That’s right. We built schools, and hospitals. |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah, not to mention the theater. |
| Brian Griffin | “But when I saw the movie, it looked like Audrey Hepburn not only… |
| Brian Griffin | “…didn’t have breakfast at Tiffany’s, she hadn’t eaten anything in a year. |
| Brian Griffin | [Hooting] |
| Brian Griffin | “I am such a bitch!” |
| Brian Griffin | We have everything we need. And no crime, no guns, no pollution. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian’s right. |
| Peter Griffin | We’ve left ourselves defenseless. Guys, we need to make some guns. |
| Cleveland | Guns? Guns only lead to trouble. |
| Peter Griffin | When that trouble happens, we’ll be ready to blow its freakin’ head off! |
| Peter Griffin | Besides, without guns how would our forefathers settle their differences? |
| Forefather | 8, 9,10, and turn! |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, Mommy’s making you some new feetie pajamas. |
| Lois Griffin | And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky. |
| Stewie Griffin | I’ll show you inky! |
| Lois Griffin | Let’s see if they fit. |
| Stewie Griffin | Never! |
| Stewie Griffin | [Mocking laughter] |
| Stewie Griffin | Look at me! I’m Fred Astaire! |
| Lois Griffin | Gotcha. You are getting heavy. |
| Lois Griffin | I’ll have your dad flood the basement so you can get some more exercise. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. I do seem to have gained a bit of girth. |
| Stewie Griffin | Actually, my gullet seems to be rumbling. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Grunting] |
| Stewie Griffin | There we are. |
| Stewie Griffin | I say. I’ve laid an egg! That wasn’t so bad. |
| Stewie Griffin | I don’t know what these women are always complaining about… |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Attention, New Quahogians. Today my vision for our future comes true. |
| Peter Griffin | A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, put that away! Where did you get the metal for all those guns? |
| Peter Griffin | Recycling. I used the pipes from our irrigation system. |
| Woman | WOMAN: Are you crazy? You destroyed our water pipes? |
| Man 4 | MAN: We don’t need guns! We need food and water! |
| Man 4 | I have a canker sore on my lip! |
| Man 4 | And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that’s only making it worse! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: There’s a reason I’m in charge here, okay? |
| Peter Griffin | I knew the world was gonna end. |
| Peter Griffin | I’m the one who found the Twinkee factory and started this town. |
| Peter Griffin | I’m the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez. |
| Brian Griffin | That’s nothing to be proud of! |
| Peter Griffin | [Imitating Rosie Perez] Don’t be stupid! She speak good and everything! |
| Crowd | CROWD: Let’s get him! Throw him out! |
| Lois Griffin | Wait! We can work this out! |
| Peter Griffin | I haven’t been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia clinic. |
| Peter Griffin | Man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night? |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] | |
| Man 5 | That’s the last of them! |
| Man 6 | Good riddance! What the hell would we ever need guns for? |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIES: Victory is ours. |
| [Citizens screaming] | |
| Man 7 | MAN: Quick! Grab the guns! They’re our only hope! |
| Man 8 | Bob, you remember the other day, you asked me what the definition of irony was, and I said… |
| [Screaming] | |
| [Explosions] | |
| Peter Griffin | Honey, I’m sorry I got us kicked out of New Quahog. |
| Peter Griffin | I guess nobody really needs guns. |
| Peter Griffin | I’m not always right, after all. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | Hearing you say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up. |
| Meg Griffin | Where are we gonna go? |
| Peter Griffin | I hear there’s a Carvel factory in Framingham. |
| Chris Griffin | All right! Fudgie the Whale! |
| Chris Griffin | And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O’Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate Ghost! |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, everybody. Let’s sing a song. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot” |
| [Mysterious instrumental music] | |
| Pam | PAM: Bobby! |
| Bobby | BOBBY: Good morning. |
| Pam | Oh, Bobby. I just had the weirdest dream. |
| Pam | I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family Guy. |
| Pam | And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus. |
| Bobby | Hey, hey. Come on now. |
| Bobby | It’s all right. Everything’s gonna be okay. |
| Bobby | What’s Family Guy? |
| [Theme music] |
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