Death Has a Shadow Transcript
| [Cheery instrumental music] | ||
| Jan Brady | Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg’s jacket. | |
| Father Brady | Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? | |
| Greg Brady | No, Dad. | |
| Father Brady | He’s lying. There’s no doubt about that. Greg, I’m afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit. That’ll give you time to think about what you did. | |
| Greg Brady | Man! | |
| Father Brady | That’ll teach him. Jan, I’m afraid you’ve earned a day in the fire chamber for tattling on your brother. | |
| Lois Griffin | Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? | |
| Peter Griffin | They live in a crummy neighborhood. | |
| Lois Griffin | The Bradys? | |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. | |
| Aunt Jemeimah | You folks want some pancakes? | |
| Peter Griffin | No, thanks. See, that’s the worst we got is Jemima’s Witnesses. | |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] “It seems today that all you see | |
| Lois Griffin | “is violence in movies and sex on TV | |
| Peter Griffin | “But where are those good, old-fashioned values | |
| Peter Griffin | “on which we used to rely? | |
| All | “Lucky there’s a family guy | |
| All | “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you | |
| All | “all the things that make us | |
| Stewie Griffin | “laugh ‘n’ cry | |
| All | “He’s a family guy” | |
| [Cheery instrumental music] | ||
| Meg Griffin | Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? | |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, you don’t need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world’s problems stem from poor self-image. | |
| [Polka music playing in gym] | ||
| [Man and women laughing] | ||
| Hitler | [Growling] | |
| Stewie Griffin | Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion! | |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, I said no toys at the table. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. | |
| Lois Griffin | Don’t pout, honey. When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he’d ever seen. | |
| Stewie Griffin | But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! | |
| Lois Griffin | No toys, Stewie. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come! | |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] | ||
| Meg Griffin | Mom, can I turn the heat up? | |
| Lois Griffin | Don’t touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset. | |
| Meg Griffin | Come on. This thing goes up to 90. | |
| Peter Griffin | Who touched the thermostat? | |
| Lois Griffin | God, how does he always know? | |
| Peter Griffin | Brain implant, Meg. Every father’s got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. | |
| Guy | My thing went off! Your thermostat okay? | |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, it’s all right. | |
| Guy 2 | Is my kid over here? | |
| Guy 1 | Forget it! False alarm! | |
| Brian Griffin | Ass ahoy. Peter, it’s 7:00 and you’ve still got your pants on. What’s the occasion? | |
| Lois Griffin | He’s going to a stag party. | |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. | |
| Lois Griffin | Look, at least promise me you won’t drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. | |
| Peter Griffin | Come on. You’re worrying about nothing. | |
| Lois Griffin | Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? | |
| Priest | And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body. | |
| God | Man, I hate it when he tells this story. | |
| Priest | Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. | |
| Peter Griffin | Is that really the blood of Christ? | |
| Priest | Yes. | |
| Peter Griffin | Man, that guy must’ve been wasted 24 hours a day. | |
| Lois Griffin | And then there was that time at the ice cream store. | |
| Peter Griffin | Butter Rum’s my favorite. | |
| Lois Griffin | Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? | |
| [Audience crying] | ||
| Peter Griffin | I got it. That’s the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that’s it. | |
| Peter Griffin | Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. | |
| Tom Hanks | I have AIDS. | |
| Lois Griffin | Promise me, Peter. | |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. | |
| Quagmire | Who wants to play Drink The Beer? | |
| Peter Griffin | Right here. | |
| Quagmire | You win. | |
| Peter Griffin | All right. What do I win? | |
| Quagmire | Another beer! | |
| Peter Griffin | I’m going for the high score! | |
| Quagmire | Actually, Charlie’s got the high score. | |
| Charlie | Man. Your clock won’t flush. | |
| Peter Griffin | I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink. | |
| Quagmire | Don’t feel bad, Peter. | |
| Peter Griffin | Gee. I never thought of it like that. | |
| Quagmire | Did you bring the porno? | |
| Peter Griffin | Did I bring the porno? You’re gonna love it. It’s a classic. | |
| Rick | Listen, Ilsa. If I take this thing out and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it. Not today or tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. | |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Ilsa! Get on it! | |
| [Funky music on TV] | ||
| Narrator | The statue was a gift from France. | |
| Charlie | What is this? | |
| Peter Griffin | Man. My kid must’ve taped over this for history class. | |
| All | [Groans] | |
| Quagmire | The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? | |
| Peter Griffin | Boys, we’re gonna drink till she’s hot. | |
| Quagmire | That’s just crazy enough to work. | |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father. | |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks, son. | |
| Lois Griffin | 37 beers. You’re setting a great example for the kids, Peter. | |
| Chris Griffin | Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. | |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, you’re 13. Don’t talk like that. | |
| Peter Griffin | Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. | |
| Lois Griffin | What did you promise me last night? | |
| Peter Griffin | I wouldn’t drink at the stag party. | |
| Lois Griffin | And what did you do? | |
| Peter Griffin | Drank at the stag- I almost walked right into that one. God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head. | |
| [Machines whirring] | ||
| Paul | Dick, you ever wonder what’s outside those walls? | |
| Dick | That’s dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. | |
| Paul | Okay. | |
| Lois Griffin | You see? A hangover is nature’s way of telling you I was right. I mean… | |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, are you all right? | |
| Lois Griffin | My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn’t that silly? I could’ve broken my neck. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn! | |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] | ||
| Peter Griffin | Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn’t wake you up. Nothing bad happened. | |
| Lois Griffin | I guess you’re right. | |
| Peter Griffin | Apology accepted. All right, I’m going to work. Somebody’s gotta put food on this table. | |
| Mr. Weed | How are you coming, Johnson? | |
| Johnson | Mr. Weed, I’ve been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great. | |
| G.I. Jew Toy | You call these bagels? | |
| Johnson | I’m glad he’s on our side! | |
| Peter Griffin | [Snoring] | |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: Peter! | |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: What? | |
| Mr. Weed | Are you sleeping on the job? | |
| Peter Griffin | No. There’s a bug in my eye and I’m trying to suffocate him. | |
| Mr. Weed | Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It’s your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to kids. Now, look sharp! | |
| Peter Griffin | Yes, sir! | |
| Peter Griffin | [Snoring] | |
| [Foreboding instrumental music] | ||
| Tom Tucker | And now back to Action News 5. Our top story tonight, “When Toys Attack.” | |
| Diane Simmons | Quite a situation we’ve got here, Tom. | |
| Tom Tucker | Quite a situation we’ve got here, Tom, indeed, Diane. | |
| Tom Tucker | The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island has released highly unsafe products into the retail market. | |
| Boy | Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! | |
| Boy | Boy! A Pound Poochie! | |
| Girl | Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. | |
| Mr. Weed | Peter, I’m appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company’s reputation. | |
| Mr. Weed | You’re fired! | |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez. For how long? | |
| [Sad instrumental music] | ||
| Brian Griffin | My God! You got fired? | |
| Chris Griffin | Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! | |
| Stewie Griffin | How do you know about the machine? | |
| Peter Griffin | Don’t worry. I’ll still put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. | |
| Meg Griffin | Who cares about food? Now we’ll never be able to afford my lip injections! | |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Can we put her out in the yard for a while? | |
| Lois Griffin | Okay, who’s hungry? | |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she’s gonna blame me! | |
| Devil Peter | Lie to her. It’s okay to lie to women. They’re not people like us. | |
| Peter Griffin | I don’t know. Hey, where’s the other guy? | |
| [Cars honking] | ||
| Angel Peter | Come on, you bastard! I’m late for work. This is perfect! | |
| Peter Griffin | Look, I don’t want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, “I told you so” and “Stop doing that. I’m asleep.” So I’m just gonna tell a little lie, okay? Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. | |
| Lois Griffin | What’s that, Peter? | |
| Peter Griffin | Nothing. The lost-my-job smells great. | |
| Lois Griffin | What? | |
| Peter Griffin | Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence? | |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, are you feeling okay? | |
| Peter Griffin | I feel great! I haven’t got a job in the world. | |
| Lois Griffin | All right, then let’s eat. I know you all hate eggplant, but… | |
| Lois Griffin | What on earth was that? | |
| Stewie Griffin | What the deuce are you staring at? It’s tuna fish and nothing else. | |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] | ||
| Brian Griffin | How’s your job search going? | |
| Peter Griffin | It sucks, Brian. I’ve already been through two jobs this week. | |
| Brian Griffin | I got fired off of that commercial. | |
| Director | Try it again. | |
| Peter Griffin | “I’m caca for Cocoa Puffs.” | |
| Director | No, damn it! Take 26! | |
| Peter Griffin | Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant’s salad bar. | |
| Peter Griffin | Take it outside, lady. | |
| Peter Griffin | I thought I could win money in that talent show. | |
| Announcer | And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! | |
| Peter Griffin | That is bull… | |
| [Loud applause] | ||
| Brian Griffin | Peter, I know it’s a dangerous precedent but you might want to tell Lois the truth. | |
| Peter Griffin | What? That I can’t provide for my family? That she’s always right? | |
| Peter Griffin | That I didn’t stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square? | |
| Peter Griffin | Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! | |
| Brian Griffin | You can’t keep lying to her about losing your job. | |
| Brian Griffin | Eventually, she’ll find out where you’re going every day. | |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. | |
| [Bells and music on TV] | ||
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, you’re right. Okay, I’ll tell her tonight. | |
| [Crickets chirping] | ||
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] | ||
| [Mellow instrumental music] | ||
| Stewie Griffin | Victory is mine! | |
| Lois Griffin | I’ll need the checkbook in the morning. | |
| Lois Griffin | I’m going to Stop ‘N Shop for some sweet corn. | |
| Peter Griffin | You’re spending money on food again? | |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, we just had dinner. | |
| Lois Griffin | I enjoyed it so much, I thought we’d eat again tomorrow. | |
| Lois Griffin | Since when are you so concerned about our food budget? | |
| Peter Griffin | I just… | |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but… | |
| Lois Griffin | What is it, Peter? | |
| Peter Griffin | You’re getting kind of fat. | |
| Lois Griffin | What? | |
| Peter Griffin | It’s just… It’s not healthy. | |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. | |
| Lois Griffin | When was the last time you saw your toes? | |
| Peter Griffin | I thought you people were supposed to be jolly. | |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? | |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, if there’s something wrong, you can tell me. | |
| Angel Peter | Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? | |
| Peter Griffin | Thank God you’re here. What do I do? | |
| Angel’s Devil Peter | Tell him to keep quiet. He’s in too deep. | |
| Angel Peter | I don’t know. | |
| Angel Peter | Where’s the other guy? | |
| [Cars honking] | ||
| Angel’s Angel Peter | This is unbelievable! | |
| Peter Griffin | I promise you, everything’s fine. You got nothing to worry about. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, well, Mother! We meet again! | |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy I shall end your reign of matriarchal tyranny. | |
| Lois Griffin | You can play tomorrow, honey. | |
| Lois Griffin | Right now it’s bedtime. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! | |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Sweet dreams, kiddo. | |
| Stewie Griffin | You have the power to end this! | |
| Brian Griffin | How’d she take it? | |
| Peter Griffin | I told her she was fat. | |
| Brian Griffin | No. | |
| Peter Griffin | I hate lying to Lois. It’s just… | |
| Peter Griffin | It’s the best way to keep her from the truth. | |
| Brian Griffin | You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. | |
| Brian Griffin | She’ll probably sense something’s amiss when they repossess your house. | |
| Brian Griffin | You really oughta think of your family’s welfare. | |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Brian! That’s a great idea! | |
| Welfare Clerk | Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? | |
| Peter Griffin | I didn’t have gas for the first time until I was 30. | |
| Peter Griffin | [Breaks wind] | |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell was that? | |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Guys, our money problems are over! We’re officially on welfare. | |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn. | |
| Brian Griffin | How much are we getting? | |
| Peter Griffin | Let’s see. $150 a week. | |
| Brian Griffin | Wait. That’s a comma, not a decimal. | |
| [Uplifting instrumental music] | ||
| Peter Griffin | Whoops. | |
| Lois Griffin | No, I haven’t seen Peter all afternoon. | |
| Lois Griffin | I was giving a piano lesson. | |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, why don’t you play in the other room? | |
| Stewie Griffin | Why don’t you burn in hell? | |
| Lois Griffin | No dessert for you, young man. | |
| Peter Griffin | Who would’ve thought getting drunk would get me $150,000 a week from the government? | |
| Brian Griffin | This is why I don’t vote. | |
| Peter Griffin | Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. | |
| Journalist | Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? | |
| President Clinton | Probably because you’re so fat. | |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. | |
| Brian Griffin | That check is obviously an oversight. | |
| Peter Griffin |
Not necessarily. Maybe I’m like their one millionth customer. | |
| Brian Griffin | What? You’re gonna spend $150,000 a week? | |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. | |
| Brian Griffin | On what? | |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? | |
| Peter Griffin | No. I just rented it. But they’re gonna be ticked. | |
| Peter Griffin | The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. | |
| Mr. Weed | I shall call you “Eduardo.” | |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, how can we afford this? | |
| Meg Griffin | You won’t believe it, Mom! Dad’s getting… | |
| Peter Griffin | A big raise! | |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that’s wonderful! | |
| Chris Griffin | But, Dad, I thought… | |
| Peter Griffin | The kind of raise that’ll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, guys. | |
| Peter Griffin | I’ll buy us the most expensive meal we’ve ever had. | |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. I’d like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please. | |
| Clerk | I beg your pardon? | |
| Peter Griffin | 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. | |
| Brian Griffin | And a “So-sage” McBiscuit, please. | |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what’s the big surprise? | |
| Peter Griffin | You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? | |
| Peter Griffin | I got you your own jester. | |
| Seinfeld | Good to be here in New England. | |
| Seinfeld | And what’s the deal with “New” England anyway? | |
| Seinfeld | It’s over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that’s not that new. | |
| Peter Griffin | This is great. | |
| Peter Griffin | I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she’s always dreamed of. | |
| Meg Griffin | Thank you, Daddy! | |
| Meg Griffin | [Kisses Peter] | |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t know, Peter. Lips are one thing. | |
| Lois Griffin | But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris? | |
| Peter Griffin | It makes him happy. | |
| Chris Griffin | These are cool. | |
| Mailwoman | When did you get a pool? | |
| Lois Griffin | It’s a moat. | |
| Lois Griffin | I know it’s silly but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that we’re rich. | |
| Mailwoman | Does it work? | |
| Lois Griffin | It does keep the Black Knight at bay. | |
| Black Knight | [Horse sputtering] | |
| Mailwoman | Congratulations in all your success. Here’s your welfare check. | |
| Lois Griffin | What the… | |
| [Foghorn blowing] | ||
| Peter Griffin | Hi, honey. | |
| Peter Griffin | What? | |
| Peter Griffin | I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. | |
| Peter Griffin | Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter. | |
| Lois Griffin | Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can’t see straight. | |
| Peter Griffin | No problem. We got money to get that fixed with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. | |
| Peter Griffin | Just like the Kennedys. | |
| Lois Griffin | I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, Peter. | |
| Lois Griffin | The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money! | |
| Peter Griffin | Boy, she’s pretty pissed. | |
| Peter Griffin | Who thought fraud would be one of her buttons? | |
| Peter Griffin | Why have a jukebox in the john if your wife’s mad at you? | |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers. | |
| Peter Griffin | But I gotta make sure Lois knows I’m doing it. | |
| Peter Griffin | I need an event with thousands of people. | |
| Peter Griffin | Something that everybody cares about. | |
| Peter Griffin | We might have to leave Rhode Island for this. | |
| John Madden | ANNOUNCER: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! | |
| John Madden | Pat, it’s safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football! | |
| Pat Summerol | John, we’re in commercial. | |
| John Madden | Yeah, I know. I’m just making conversation. Come on. | |
| John Madden | Football! | |
| Brian Griffin | Amazing. You can barely drive a car. Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? | |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, America’s great, isn’t it? Except for the South. | |
| Peter Griffin | Boy, I hope Lois is watching. | |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, taxpayers, here you go! | |
| Pat Summerol | Looks like we’re getting some rain here tonight, John. | |
| John Madden | Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! | |
| John Madden | It’s some kind of crazy money rain! | |
| Pat Summerol | I’m being told it’s a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp. | |
| Peter Griffin | Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to start dropping these. | |
| [People cheering] | ||
| John Madden | The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! | |
| John Madden | Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? | |
| Pat Summerol | Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old “trying to make amends for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds” play. | |
| John Madden | I don’t care what it is! That guy’s ruining a perfectly good game of football! | |
| John Madden | Madden to Fox Security. | |
| Security Guard | Go ahead. | |
| John Madden | Take them down! | |
| Security Guard | Yes, sir. | |
| Brian Griffin | How was your shower? | |
| Peter Griffin | I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. | |
| Brian Griffin | Really? | |
| Peter Griffin | You can’t hold onto that thing to save your life. | |
| Peter Griffin | It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughing. | |
| Inmate 1 | There’s the guy that couldn’t hold the soap. | |
| Inmate 2 | That was classic. | |
| Peter Griffin | Boy. I really let Lois down this time. | |
| Peter Griffin | Do you think she’ll wait for me? | |
| Brian Griffin | If every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp, no one would be married. | |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, you’re right. Okay, I got the top bunk. | |
| Meg Griffin | My collagen is wearing off. | |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, sagging lips are just nature’s way of telling you you shouldn’t cover for your father’s lie. | |
| Chris Griffin | What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears? | |
| Lois Griffin | It means you’re becoming a man. | |
| Lois Griffin | But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn’t call like your father who shall remain nameless. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Hello, Mother. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Hi there, sweetie. | |
| Stewie Griffin | You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. | |
| Stewie Griffin | You never know what you’re going to get. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades! | |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] | ||
| Stewie Griffin | Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. | |
| Lois Griffin | You just want your toy back. | |
| Lois Griffin | Okay, here you go, honey. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes… Well, victory is mine! | |
| [Explosion] | ||
| Stewie Griffin | Damn you all! | |
| [Phone ringing] | ||
| [Phone ringing] | ||
| Lois Griffin | Hello? | |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! | |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, am I glad to see you. | |
| Lois Griffin | I have nothing to say to you, Peter. | |
| Peter Griffin | I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? | |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. | |
| Peter Griffin | Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn’t even matter. | |
| Lois Griffin | Really? Let’s hope the judge feels that way. | |
| Judge | This court will come to order. | |
| Peter Griffin | I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they’d catch their mistake. | |
| Peter Griffin | Why are we making a federal case out of this? | |
| Judge | Don’t you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment? |
|
| Peter Griffin | I was gonna call them. But my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? | |
| Bike Shop Owner | All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. | |
| Peter Griffin | And everybody learns a valuable lesson. | |
| Judge | Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? | |
| Peter Griffin | Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop. | |
| [People murmuring] | ||
| Peter Griffin | Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just… | |
| Peter Griffin | I don’t know. I saw the one chance I’d ever have to give my family the things they deserve. | |
| Peter Griffin | I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. | |
| Peter Griffin | And worst of all, I lied to my wife. | |
| Peter Griffin | And she deserves better. | |
| Peter Griffin | I’m sorry, honey. | |
| Judge | Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. | |
| Judge | I’m sentencing you to 24 months in prison. | |
| Peter Griffin | Oh No! | |
| Lois Griffin | Oh No! | |
| Chris Griffin | Oh No! | |
| Meg Griffin | Oh No! | |
| Koolaid Man | [bashes through wall] Oh Yeah! | |
| [Rock music] | ||
| [Rock music stops abruptly] | ||
| Lois Griffin | Excuse me, Your Honor? | |
| Judge | Yes? | |
| Lois Griffin | Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. | |
| Lois Griffin | He may even be downright stupid. | |
| Lois Griffin | But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. | |
| Lois Griffin | But what he needs to remember is that we love him. | |
| Lois Griffin | And no matter what, I’ll always stand by him. | |
| Peter Griffin | I love you too, honey. | |
| Judge | That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Okay, you can go to jail with him! | |
| Lois Griffin | What? | |
| Stewie Griffin | 24 months in prison? Unacceptable! Intolerable as it may be I’m completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. | |
| Stewie Griffin | Let us see how the constitution of American justice fares against the device! | |
| [Device pulsates] | ||
| Judge | Is that your boy? | |
| Peter Griffin | What? Yeah. That’s Stewie. | |
| Judge | Gosh. I can’t separate a kid that young from his father. It’s unjudgmenly. | |
| Judge | Hell, you’ve learned your lesson, right? | |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. | |
| Judge | All right. You’re free. | |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! Can you give me my job back? | |
| Judge | No. | |
| Judge | Yes. | |
| Peter Griffin | All right! | |
| [Cheery instrumental music] | ||
| [Man laughing on TV] | ||
| Ed | That was a crazy one, Dick. | |
| Dick | It sure was. In this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: “She sells seashells down by the seashore.” | |
| Joanie | What does your mom do? | |
| Scott Baio | She sells seashells down by the… | |
| Peter Griffin | That is kind of a tongue twister. | |
| [Bear jumps on Scott Baio] | ||
| Lois Griffin | It’s good to have you home, Peter. | |
| Peter Griffin | Honey, I knew everything would turn out okay. | |
| Meg Griffin | I sure am gonna miss being rich. | |
| Peter Griffin | Don’t worry. I got a way to get money. | |
| Lois Griffin | Not another welfare scam? | |
| Peter Griffin | No. Minority scholarship. | |
| Peter Griffin | [Giggles] | |
| [Jazzy instrumental music] | ||
| Lois and Brian | No. | |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Are you insane? | |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, I mean sexual harassment suit. | |
| Peter Griffin | [Giggles] | |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: No. | |
| Lois Griffin | Don’t think so. | |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Absolutely outrageous. | |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, disability claim. [Hits self with bat] | |
| [Theme music] |
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