I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar Transcript

(Season 2 Episode 8)
Lois Griffin [Singing] “It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin “is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin “But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin “on which we used to rely?
All “Lucky there’s a family guy
All “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you
All “all the things that make us
Stewie Griffin “laugh ‘n’ cry
All “He’s a family guy”
[Mellow music playing on TV]
Woman Boy, that lotion sure feels good.
Woman 2 Sure is hot!
Woman And it just got hotter!
Woman 2 Here, now let me do you.
Announcer Pawtucket Patriot Beer.
Announcer If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois Griffin Typical male fantasy.
Lois Griffin Women drinking beer.
Lois Griffin I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin Of course a man made it.
Peter Griffin It’s a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
Chris Griffin Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat!
Peter Griffin Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin’ boat!
Meg Griffin Dad, nobody gives things away for free.
Peter Griffin That’s not true.
Peter Griffin I know people who give things away.
Crowd Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter Griffin I’ll take it!
Peter Griffin Hello, China?
Peter Griffin I have something you may want.
Peter Griffin But it’s gonna cost you.
Peter Griffin That’s right. All the tea.
[Sinister instrumental music]
Lois Griffin I knew there was a catch.
Lois Griffin You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations.
Peter Griffin That’s a small price to pay.
Peter Griffin I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat!
Quagmire Whoa! All hands on deck! I’m getting a boat!
Cleveland Hey, Quagmire. I’m also getting a boat, too.
Joe Swanson Right on! I can’t wait to get my sea legs! Yeah!
Peter Griffin Well, at least I’ll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat.
Fat Albert Hey, hey, hey! I’m getting a boat!
Peter Griffin Oh, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat.
Salesman These wonderful homes on this beautifully secluded island can be yours with almost no strings attached.
Salesman Beautiful island.
Salesman Nothing out of the ordinary here. Just beautiful homes and nothing else.
Salesman Each residence has 200 feet of pristine oceanfront.
Salesman No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution.
Lois Griffin I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter Griffin That’s so cute.
Peter Griffin You’re afraid that because you’re a woman you’ll do something stupid like buy that time-share or not realize that I taped over our wedding video with softcore porn.
Lois Griffin You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff.
Priest The couple wrote their own vows, which they will now recite to each other.
Lois Griffin Peter, I…
Woman The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sister.
Guard Excuse me, ladies. It’s laundry time.
[Cheesy porn music playing]
Woman It’s so cold in here.
Woman I mean, look at my…
Lois Griffin Oh, my God, Peter!
Lois Griffin I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil!
Old Man This wedding is hot!
Old Man Wake up, damn it! Wake up!
Salesman Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Griffin.
Salesman I know you’ve been here all day.
Salesman If you’ll sign this contract, I’ll take your blank check and you’ll not be loving your time-share before you know it.
Peter Griffin We’re not gonna buy your lousy time-share, all right?
Peter Griffin Now, where’s my boat?
Salesman Hold on. You have a choice.
Salesman You can have the boat or the mystery box.
Lois Griffin Are you crazy? We’ll take the boat.
Peter Griffin Not so fast, Lois.
Peter Griffin A boat’s a boat. But the mystery box could be anything.
Peter Griffin It could even be a boat.
Peter Griffin You know how much we wanted one.
Lois Griffin Then let’s…
Peter Griffin We’ll take the box.
Lois Griffin “We’ll take the box.”
Lois Griffin You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.
Peter Griffin You’re acting like this is the first time I’ve done something stupid.
Peter Griffin Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat?
Peter Griffin A boat’s a boat. But the mystery box could be anything.
Peter Griffin It could even be a boat.
Peter Griffin You know how much we wanted one.
Lois Griffin Then let’s…
Peter Griffin We’ll take the box.
Lois Griffin Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.
Peter Griffin Who cares? I’ll bet nobody took the boat.
Peter Griffin Who could resist the call of the mystery box?
Quagmire Hey, look at me. I’m in the boat.
Quagmire All right.
Bonnie Swanson Joe, look to the right. It’s the Griffins.
Joe Swanson We’re nautical now, baby. That’s called “starboard.”
Joe Swanson But I’ll forgive you, because you sex me up. Now, give me some sugar.
Joe Swanson Hey, neighbors! Where’s your boat?
Lois Griffin We didn’t take the boat. We took the mystery box.
Lois Griffin Hop in.
Cleveland Hey, Quagmire.
Cleveland Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or boating, or owning a boat.
Quagmire Yeah, or maybe he’ll tell some jokes about being a sucker!
Cleveland Oh, Quagmire.
Cleveland You’re what the Spaniards call el terrible.
Quagmire What are you upset about? I never knew you liked boats.
Peter Griffin Hey, boating’s in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi.
Jim What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin I thought that was your name.
Jim That is our word! You’ve got no right using it!
Huck Griffin I’m cool. No problem.
Huck Griffin Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim?
Jim Thank you.
Peter Griffin This comic sucks!
Peter Griffin He couldn’t make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it.
Peter Griffin Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh!
Lois Griffin Peter, that’s a microphone stand.
Peter Griffin Pardon me for thinking a mic stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two.
Peter Griffin I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way.
Comedian Hi. Welcome to…
Peter Griffin Very funny.
Comedian Excuse me, sir. I haven’t even…
Peter Griffin That one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke!
Peter Griffin Hey, put skinny back up there.
Lois Griffin Peter!
Comedian You think this is easy? You want to try this?
Peter Griffin I thought you’d never ask.
Lois Griffin Maybe you shouldn’t do this. You’ve never had a lot of luck telling jokes.
Peter Griffin Okay, how many dirty, stinkin’ apes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Peter Griffin Three.
Peter Griffin One dirty, stinkin’ ape to screw in the light bulb and two dirty,
stinkin’ apes to throw feces at each other.
Peter Griffin [Laughing]
Peter Griffin Don’t worry. I got it under control.
Peter Griffin Hey, how about that Viagra?
Peter Griffin You know what that stuff does?
Peter Griffin Come on!
Peter Griffin What are you people, stupid?
Peter Griffin You like a little abuse, huh?
Peter Griffin Yeah. Well, you guys are stupid and ugly.
Peter Griffin If there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you’d all win!
Peter Griffin Or lose.
Peter Griffin Whichever is funnier.
Peter Griffin Hey, Lois.
Peter Griffin What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast?
Lois Griffin I swear to God, Peter!
Peter Griffin You call her “Lois.”
Peter Griffin [Laughing]
Stewie Griffin Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that.
Stewie Griffin Yes, you cook very slowly.
Stewie Griffin As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking you wouldn’t be cooking very fast at all, now, would you?
Stewie Griffin That one wasn’t very good.
Lois Griffin They laughed because it looked like you peed yourself not because they liked your jokes.
Peter Griffin Maybe that was part of my act.
Peter Griffin Urine happens to be very edgy.
Peter Griffin I guess an unfunny person like you wouldn’t understand that.
Stewie Griffin Okay, okay. I’ve got it.
Stewie Griffin If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn’t need an egg timer you’d need an egg calendar!
Stewie Griffin [Laughing]
Stewie Griffin That’s right. I went there.
Peter Griffin Okay, here’s another one.
Peter Griffin Why do women have boobs?
Peter Griffin So you got something to look at while you’re talking to them!
All [Laughing]
Man Good one, Peter.
Man 2 That’s what they’re for.
Woman Are you telling jokes?
Woman I love jokes.
Peter Griffin All right. Then you’ll love this one.
Peter Griffin Why do women have boobs?
Peter Griffin So you got something to look at while you’re talking to them.
Peter Griffin So you got something to look at while you’re talking to them.
Peter Griffin You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?
Mr. Weed Peter, we have a problem.
Gloria Ironbox Mr. Griffin, I’m Gloria Ironbox.
Gloria Ironbox I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett.
Gloria Ironbox She’s suing you and the company for sexual harassment.
Peter Griffin Sarah, Sarah…
Peter Griffin Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump?
Peter Griffin Why? What happened?
Gloria Ironbox Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin.
Peter Griffin First, if I can speak in my own defense, all I did was tell a little joke.
Peter Griffin Second of all, women are not people.
Peter Griffin They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.
Mr. Weed Peter, please!
Mr. Weed Miss Ironbox, I assure you, this company in no way condones Peter’s conduct.
Mr. Weed In fact, a film on employee relations has been a mandatory part of our personnel training for 50 years.
Host Irrational, emotionally fragile by nature, female coworkers are a peculiar animal.
Host They are very insecure about their appearance.
Host Be sure to tell them how good they look every day even if they’re homely and unkempt.
Host You’re doing a great job, Muriel, and you’re prettier than Mamie Van Doren.
Host And remember, nothing says “good job” like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Gloria Ironbox I teach a workplace-sensitivity training class for the Women’s Action Coalition.
Gloria Ironbox If Mr. Griffin completes my course, we’ll drop the lawsuit.
Mr. Weed I assure you, Peter will be there. His job depends on it.
Gloria Ironbox Good. I’m looking forward to it.
Peter Griffin If I wasn’t so sure you were a lesbian, I’d say you were coming on to me.
Gloria Ironbox All right, now, let’s do some role-playing.
Gloria Ironbox I’ll be the office assistant.
Gloria Ironbox Mr. Henson, why don’t you play the boss, and we’ll see what you’ve learned?
Mr. Henson Okay.
Gloria Ironbox The filing is done, Mr. Henson.
Mr. Henson Thank you.
Mr. Henson You are a valued member of our team and every bit as important to this company as I am.
Gloria Ironbox Excellent.
Gloria Ironbox Mr. Griffin, why don’t you come up here and give it a try?
Peter Griffin All right.
Gloria Ironbox The filing’s done, Mr. Griffin.
Peter Griffin Thank you, Miss Ironbox.
Peter Griffin You are a valued member of our business team.
Peter Griffin And I will give you a raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt on.
Gloria Ironbox Mr. Griffin!
Peter Griffin I’m sorry. That came out wrong. Let me try again.
Peter Griffin Nice ass.
Gloria Ironbox You haven’t heard a word I’ve said!
Peter Griffin Now that’s not fair. I’ve heard everything you said.
Peter Griffin There’s some subtleties to the rules that aren’t so easy to understand.
Gloria Ironbox Okay, that’s it!
Gloria Ironbox Obviously, normal sensitivity training isn’t enough for you!
Gloria Ironbox No, we’re gonna have to do something drastic.
[Crickets chirping]
Peter Griffin A week at a women’s retreat. What am I supposed to learn from that?
Brian Griffin Well, face it, Peter. Your attitude towards women isn’t exactly enlightened.
Peter Griffin That’s a bad mud puddle.
Peter Griffin I wouldn’t want you to step in that and get your nice shoes all ruined.
Brian Griffin Then you got caught peeping in the ladies’ locker room.
Peter Griffin Okay, move the towel. Move the towel.
Peter Griffin Oh! They spotted me.
Brian Griffin Peter, I think this’ll be good for you.
Lois Griffin You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive and…
Peter Griffin Look at me! Look at me!
Miss Watson Hello, ladies. I’m Miss Watson, director of the retreat.
Miss Watson I’d like to welcome Peter Griffin who’s here to get in touch with his feminine side.
Miss Watson This world would be a far better place if there were more men like him.
Peter Griffin Okay, so here’s what I’m thinking.
Peter Griffin I’ll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels.
Peter Griffin Except you.
Peter Griffin You’ll be Bosley.
Miss Watson We women have so much strength inside us.
Miss Watson If we can endure the pain of childbirth just imagine what else we’re capable of!
Woman That’s true.
Woman 2 Right on, sister!
Peter Griffin Come on.
Peter Griffin It’s only childbirth. How much can it hurt?
Miss Watson It’s like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck!
Peter Griffin Come on. You want to hear some horror stories.
Peter Griffin You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant.
Lois Griffin [Vomiting]
[Theme from Three's Company on TV]
Lois Griffin [Vomiting continues]
[Volume increases on TV]
Miss Watson Women are made to feel competitive with each other when we should be supportive.
Miss Watson Lizzie, I know you feel alone and unattractive since your
husband left you.
Miss Watson But you are a beautiful person, and I am here for you.
Miss Watson Notice I’m making physical contact with her in order to establish a connection.
Peter Griffin I think you’d make more of a connection if you hugged her.
Miss Watson Very good, Peter. That’s true.
Peter Griffin That’s it. Now rub her back.
Peter Griffin Okay, that’s good.
Peter Griffin Yeah, comfort her. Yeah, you like that, don’t you?
Peter Griffin Yeah, it’s okay. It’s okay to like it. It’s very natural.
Peter Griffin Okay, good.
Peter Griffin Now smell her a little.
[Cheerful instrumental music]
Woman I can’t do it!
Miss Watson Yes, you can! Trust your sisters! Jump into the trust quilt!
All ALL: Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you!
All We’ll catch you!
Miss Watson Wonderful.
Peter Griffin Okay! Me next! Me next!
Peter Griffin Okay, ladies. I’m gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf.
Peter Griffin [Screaming]
Miss Watson Now that you’ve felt a woman’s pain, the learning can begin.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Women Bye!
Lois Griffin Welcome back, Peter.
Peter Griffin Lois! I missed you so much!
Peter Griffin And my babies!
Peter Griffin Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh?
Brian Griffin Peter, you’re…
Peter Griffin Brian, put the tea on. I have stories.
Peter Griffin First I’m gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things.
Peter Griffin Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.
Chris Griffin Oh, my God. Dad’s a chick.
Lois Griffin I can’t remember the last time we cuddled like this.
Peter Griffin I can’t remember the last time I loved you so much!
Lois Griffin How did you get so sweet?
Peter Griffin When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.
Brian Griffin Oh, for God’s sake!
Stewie Griffin Oh, yes, I’ll have the coffee cake.
[Phone ringing]
Quagmire Hello?
Peter Griffin Hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire Hey, Peter. What’s up?
Peter Griffin Not much.
Quagmire Well, what do you want?
Peter Griffin Nothin’. I’m just calling to talk.
Peter Griffin What you thinking about?
Quagmire What do you mean? You called me!
Peter Griffin I just wanted to say hi.
Peter Griffin So, what are you…
Peter Griffin Sometimes I just can’t believe we could make something so beautiful.
Lois Griffin He looks just like his father.
Peter Griffin I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids.
Peter Griffin I’ll never know that joy.
Lois Griffin Peter, I’m sure you would’ve been a great mother if you had the chance.
Peter Griffin You think so?
Lois Griffin I know so.
Stewie Griffin [Suckling]
Stewie Griffin [Suckling]
Stewie Griffin [Choking and gagging]
Lois Griffin One of these days, I’m gonna need the mirror.
Peter Griffin Oh, beans! I can’t get this spit curl to…
Peter Griffin Lois, what day is it?
Lois Griffin Thursday.
Peter Griffin Oh, my God! I’m late!
Lois Griffin If you spent less time fixing your hair…
Peter Griffin No, Lois. I’m “late” late! Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois Griffin Are you insane? You can’t have a baby!
Peter Griffin Well, I don’t have a lot of options. I’m Catholic!
Peter Griffin God, I thought you’d be happy!
Peter Griffin Oh, this is just great!
Peter Griffin Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband?
Lois Griffin Peter, you’re my husband! At least you used to be.
Stewie Griffin Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint.
Stewie Griffin It’s in my diaper, and it’s not a toaster.
Lois Griffin Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin Fine.
Meg Griffin But this time, if a boy calls, don’t tell him I’m wrist deep in poopie.
Lois Griffin Honey, I’m glad you discovered your feminine side.
Lois Griffin But I didn’t want you to forget about mine.
Lois Griffin Remember this?
Lois Griffin Remember?
Peter Griffin Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam.
Peter Griffin Uh-oh!
Peter Griffin A lump! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin No, Cheeto.
[Doorbell ringing]
Quagmire Lois!
Quagmire How expected.
Lois Griffin Hi, Glen. I’m sorry to bother you. Is this a bad time?
Quagmire Never a bad time when you’re with the Q-Man. Come on in.
Lois Griffin Well, as you may have noticed, Peter’s been acting a little different lately.
Lois Griffin It was refreshing at first. But now…
Lois Griffin Well, he doesn’t even treat me like a woman anymore.
Quagmire I know where this is going, Lois!
Quagmire And I’m already semi-there.
[Jazz music playing on turntable]
Lois Griffin Anyways, Glen, I was wondering if you and Cleveland could help change Peter back to the way he was.
Quagmire Of course that’s why you’re here!
[Record skips]
Quagmire Don’t worry, Lois. I’d do everything to you.
Lois Griffin What?
Quagmire I’d do anything for you.
Quagmire Come on, Cleveland.
Quagmire If we’re gonna re-masculate Peter, we need chicks!
Quagmire Let’s blow this and hit the International House of Tail.
Cleveland No.
Cleveland He needs to learn how to respect his fellow man.
Cleveland That’s what this march is all about.
Cleveland Respect for your fellow man.
Peter Griffin I can’t respect men.
Peter Griffin Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape.
Peter Griffin If men were as caring as women, we wouldn’t have crime or violence.
Speaker Brothers, we stand together…
Peter Griffin Excuse me!
Peter Griffin I’d like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience.
Peter Griffin It’s your fault we have so much crime in this country!
Peter Griffin And it’s your fault we have so much violence in this country!
Peter Griffin You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed!
[Angry mob yelling]
Peter Griffin I don’t care how many letters we gotta write.
Peter Griffin The View should be on for three hours.
Peter Griffin You just get going, and boom, it’s News at Noon.
Lois Griffin Can we go soon?
Peter Griffin Not yet.
Peter Griffin Gloria Ironbox and Camille Paglia are gonna see whose is bigger.
Gloria Ironbox Peter, I’m so glad you could make it.
Peter Griffin Gloria, this is my life partner, Lois.
Lois Griffin I’m his wife.
Gloria Ironbox His “wife.” Yes.
Gloria Ironbox Peter tells me you don’t have a career of your own.
Lois Griffin No.
Lois Griffin Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary.
Lois Griffin I’m just here because you caught me between pregnancies.
Gloria Ironbox I’m sorry you’re so hostile toward someone who’s fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife.
Lois Griffin Oh, just a housewife?
Lois
Griffin
Look, I’m all for equality but if you ask me, feminism is about choice.
Lois Griffin I choose to be a wife and mother.
Lois Griffin And now I’m choosing to end this conversation.
Gloria Ironbox No wonder your husband didn’t respect women.
Lois Griffin Excuse me?
Gloria Ironbox I can’t imagine how screwed up your kids must be.
Lois Griffin You bitch!
Chef Ten banana-cream pies!
Peter Griffin Holy crap! This is hot!
Peter Griffin Lois, we gotta go!
Lois Griffin That was wonderful.
Peter Griffin Who said that?
Peter Griffin Oh, hi, Lois. I’m starving. How about a sandwich?
Lois Griffin Glad to have you back, Peter.
Peter Griffin Lois, less talkie, more fetchie.
Lois Griffin I’m just gonna assume that’s Chinese for “I love you.”
[Theme from Three's Company on TV]
[Theme music]
  • family guy i am peter hear me roar script
  • lois griffin vs gloria ironbox
  • FAMILY GUY TIMESHARE EPISODE
  • i am peter hear me roar quotes
  • i am peter hear me roar music
  • family guy i am peter hear me roar full episode
  • family guy lois vs ms iron box
  • family guy the timeshare presentation episode
  • family guy clips coffee cake
  • I Am Peter Hear Me Roar quagmire