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Holy Crap! Transcript

(Season 2 Episode 2)
Lois Griffin [Singing] “It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin “is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin “But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin “on which we used to rely?
All “Lucky there’s a family guy
All “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you
All “all the things that make us
Stewie Griffin “laugh ‘n’ cry
All “He’s a family guy”
Doctor Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant.
Doctor I’m afraid you only have six months to live.
Woman Oh, my God!
Announcer Got milk?
Peter Griffin Listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring.
Chris Griffin Grandpa Griffin?
Chris Griffin Is he the one that smells like firewood and has big gray pussywillows in his ears?
Chris Griffin Chris, that’s a terrible word. “Pussywillows.”
Peter Griffin My dad worked at that mill for 60 years. That’s almost 80 years.
Peter Griffin Tomorrow we’ll all go to a big dinner to honor him.
Meg Griffin Why? We barely know him.
Chris Griffin Yeah. How come he never visits us?
Lois Griffin Kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I’m not Catholic.
[Church bells ringing]
Peter Griffin Dad loves all of us. He’s just too busy working to show it.
Peter Griffin He’s been that way since I was a kid.
Man And now the winners of the father-son three-legged race.
Man First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad. Second place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad.
Man Third place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.
Peter Griffin Now that he’s retiring, we can finally spend some time together.
Peter Griffin I want us to have one of those father-son moments, like on TV.
Peter Griffin Where we hug and the music goes…
[Band playing sentimental music]
Peter Griffin Thanks, boys. Just like that.
Peter Griffin Can you do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?
[Band playing fluttery music]
? I don’t want to tattle.
? But is Bobby really a doctor?
[Trombone sputtering]
Meg Griffin Mom, I can’t eat. I’m too grossed out by Grandpa’s ears.
Chris Griffin I know. They’re like a big, gray enchanted forest.
Lois Griffin Kids, your grandfather’s ears are not gross.
Lois Griffin And they are certainly not an enchanted forest.
[High-pitched noise]
Man But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin.
Man Francis.
[Applause]
[Whistling]
Francis Griffin At mass this morning it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again.
Francis Griffin I just want to say that Jesus loves you.
Francis Griffin But in my eyes, you’re a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire.
Francis Griffin So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.
[Gasping]
Stewie Griffin I adore this man!
Peter Griffin That was some speech, Dad.
Francis Griffin Yeah. It’s a shame Grandma wasn’t there to hear it.
Francis Griffin Bless her heart. She’s on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.
Peter’s Mom Hit me, you five-card stud.
Peter’s Mom [Hacking cough]
Peter’s Mom Cocktail!
Francis Griffin Aye, she’s a rose.
Francis Griffin It’s a pity you couldn’t find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.
Lois Griffin Francis, this must be embarrassing for you.
Lois Griffin I’m in the car.
Peter Griffin Now that you’re retired, you’re coming to stay with us.
Peter Griffin No more excuses. I’m putting my foot down.
[Brakes screeching]
Peter Griffin Brian, buckle up. What do you say, Dad?
Francis Griffin I don’t want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin It’s no bother, is it, Lois?
Lois Griffin Of course not. It’ll be fun.
Francis Griffin You’re a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won’t burn in Hell after all.
Francis Griffin Maybe you’ll just go to purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin There you go, Lois. You love kids.
Peter Griffin Look at that.
Peter Griffin Dad’s reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me.
Francis Griffin “So God cast the pagans and sinners into the fiery bowels of Hell…
Francis Griffin “…where their flesh burned in agony forever and ever.”
Francis Griffin The end.
Francis Griffin Children love a good bedtime story from the Bible.
Stewie Griffin Yes, charming. Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac.
Isaac Hey!
Francis Griffin That was a lovely service, Francis.
Meg Griffin Super. And only three more hours till school.
Chris Griffin I didn’t even know there was a 5:00 a.m. Mass.
Chris Griffin What else haven’t you told me?
Stewie Griffin I rather like this God fellow. He’s very theatrical, you know.
Stewie Griffin A pestilence here and a plague there. Omnipotence!
Stewie Griffin Got to get me some of that.
Peter Griffin Yes. We all enjoy the Bible in this house.
Francis Griffin Really? What’s your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin That one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.
Francis Griffin [Knocking]
Francis Griffin Open this door! Open it, I say!
[Toilet flushes]
Chris Griffin Sorry, Grandpa.
Chris Griffin You might want to give that a minute or two.
Francis Griffin I know what you’re doing in there, and it’s a sin!
Francis Griffin If you ever do it again, you’ll burn in Hell!
Chris Griffin But I do it every day. Sometimes twice.
Francis Griffin Mark my words, lad.
Francis Griffin You may think you’re alone, but God’s watching.
Francis Griffin Don’t do it again!
Chris Griffin God’s watching me do number two?
Chris Griffin I’m a sinner, and God’s a pervert.
Francis Griffin Megan!
Francis Griffin How was school?
Meg Griffin Good. Kevin walked me home.
Francis Griffin Kevin?
Meg Griffin He lives next door.
Francis Griffin He lives next door to a harlot!
Meg Griffin Grandpa, we were just holding hands.
Francis Griffin It’ll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your heart with leprosy.
Francis Griffin He can take it right home with him!
Francis Griffin Lord, it’s great to see you kids.
[Theme from The Dick Van Dyke Show]
[Cheerful theme music continues]
Lois Griffin Francis, we were watching that.
Francis Griffin I’ll tell you how it ends. Laura burns the roast and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants!
[Baseball field organ music playing]
Peter Griffin Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad?
Francis Griffin Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years.
Peter Griffin Stewie’s having fun.
Stewie Griffin Why does that man drop his club before he runs around?
Stewie Griffin I would bring it with me.
Peter Griffin Hey, who wants a Fenway frank?
Peter Griffin Nothing says, “Please talk to me, Daddy,” like a Fenway frank.
Chris Griffin Is
there a bathroom here? I don’t think I can wait anymore.
Francis Griffin In a public restroom, lad?
Francis Griffin For the good of your soul, show some restraint.
Peter Griffin Hey, hot dog guy!
Francis Griffin I’ll get him.
Peter Griffin Oh, no, Dad, they bring them to you.
Francis Griffin Well, la-de-da. I don’t need my food brought to me.
Francis Griffin I’m not a broken-down old mule! I can still work!
Francis Griffin I can still take orders!
Peter Griffin Oh, hey! Hey, look! Hey, Dad!
Peter Griffin Aw, crap. That was money well-spent.
Lois Griffin He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter Griffin I don’t know. I asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian Griffin I don’t care if he ever gets back.
Brian Griffin I wasn’t being cute. I really hope he’s dead.
Diane Simmons Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope.
Tom Tucker That’s right, Diane. I’ll tell you what else will be examined, this cock.
Tom Tucker The Rhode Island Cock Society is sponsoring free check-ups for this year’s Cock Awareness Week. I don’t know why the suggestive name.
Tom Tucker They could’ve just as easily gone with “rooster.”
Peter Griffin I’m telling you. Something must’ve happened to him.
Peter Griffin He’s probably hurt, or lost, or shanghaied by pirates!
Peter Griffin That renegade pirate ship captained by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!
[Phone ringing]
Lois Griffin Peter, calm down. It’s his first night of retirement.
Lois Griffin He’s probably out enjoying himself.
Brian Griffin He’s in jail.
Peter Griffin Dad, my God, are you okay?
Francis Griffin Don’t be using the Lord’s name in vain!
Peter Griffin He’s okay! Thank God!
Cop It seems he broke into the old mill after hours.
Cop We found him working on a kick press.
Peter Griffin Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill?
Francis Griffin Yes! I want to work! I want my job back!
Peter Griffin But, Dad, you’re retired.
Francis Griffin I’d rather be dead.
Vaudville Tumbler I’ll tell you what’s dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? Talkie pictures.
Vaudville Tumbler But you can still make it. You just need a gimmick.
Vaudville Tumbler I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round-off.
Vaudville Tumbler Hey, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.
Peter Griffin I don’t get it, Lois. Baseball’s always been the secret to male bonding.
Peter Griffin It even worked for Rosie O’Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own.
Lois Griffin I hate to say this but it doesn’t seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you.
Lois Griffin All he cares about is work.
Peter Griffin Wait a second. Work! That’s what’ll bring us together.
Peter Griffin We can start our own father-son business.
[Theme from Sanford & Son]
Francis Griffin What are you doing with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy?
Peter Griffin Pop, why you gotta be like that?
Peter Griffin We cut ‘em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines.
Francis Griffin That’s my boy. At least, that’s what your mama always told me.
Francis Griffin Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.
Lois Griffin Or you could just get your father a job with you at the toy factory.
Peter Griffin That’s an even better idea! Lois, you’re a genius.
Peter Griffin Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.
Lois Griffin Peter, I can’t hug you.
Lois Griffin Cut it out. I’m serious.
Peter Griffin And this is the nerve center of the whole factory, my station.
Peter Griffin I assemble our new action figure, Zeke, the moody drifter.
Francis Griffin You mean to tell me you stand here all day playing with dolls?
Peter Griffin It’s not easy. See, I gotta twist on his head and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket.
[Coughing]
Any of you kids want to see a dead body?
Peter Griffin Wait here, Dad.
Peter Griffin Hey, Mr. Weed?
Mr. Weed Peter.
Peter Griffin Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad.
Mr. Weed Your father? He must be a man of at least 70.
Peter Griffin Oh, yeah. But he’s in great shape. Except his prostate.
Peter Griffin At 2:00 a.m. Last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom.
Francis Griffin All finished. What’s next?
Peter Griffin You did my whole day’s work in five minutes.
Peter Griffin We should sell you to the circus, you freak!
Mr. Weed I’ve never seen such productivity. How is this possible?
Peter Griffin I’ll tell you how it’s possible.
Peter Griffin Because this man always put his job before everything else.
Peter Griffin His wife, his health, even his own son.
Francis Griffin Especially his own son.
Mr. Weed I need hear no more. Everyone, this is your new shop foreman.
Mr. Weed Welcome aboard, sir. Lead as you see fit.
Peter Griffin Dad, after all these years, you and me together, side by side, father and son.
Francis Griffin Peter, this is truly a miracle. I’m so grateful.
Peter Griffin Hold that thought. Hey, boys, you’re on.
[Sentimental music playing]
Peter Griffin Go ahead, Dad.
Francis Griffin Thank you, Jesus.
Francis Griffin I have a purpose in life again.
Francis Griffin Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!
Stewie Griffin My, my. What a thumping good read!
Stewie Griffin Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours.
Stewie Griffin I say, you won’t find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Peter Griffin Please don’t say “pooh.”
Lois Griffin Are you all right? Where’s your father?
Peter Griffin Still at the factory. He’s turning the break room into a chapel.
Lois Griffin A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?
Peter Griffin Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin.
Peter Griffin Bestiality is a sin.
Peter Griffin I’m not sure how that came up exactly, but me and Dad have never been closer.
Peter Griffin Having him at the factory is the best…
Peter Griffin [Snoring]
Man I got it.
Man Your dad stinks.
Man I’m working triple shifts, and I’m still not Employee of the Week.
Man How am I supposed to compete with that?
Peter Griffin Where is he anyway?
Jesus This’ll be for my fourth birdie. Looks like someone’s in the zone.
Man Tough break there, Jesus.
Jesus Yup. Or was it?
Jesus Boo-yah!
Francis Griffin Back to work, all of you! What’s going on here?
Peter Griffin Dad, some of the guys think that since you took over, work is no fun.
Francis Griffin Work’s not supposed to be fun.
Peter Griffin Why not?
Francis Griffin That’s Satan talking! You’re a failure as a worker and as a father!
Peter Griffin Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect.
Peter Griffin At least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working!
Peter Griffin I’m a damn good father, and that’s more than I can say about you!
Francis Griffin [Gasping]
Francis Griffin Peter, you’ve never spoken to me like that before.
Francis Griffin You’re fired!
Peter Griffin Well, in that
case, I’m suing you for sexual harassment.
Peter Griffin I’ll see you at home.
Francis Griffin What are you doing, lad?
Chris Griffin CHRIS: Nothing!
Francis Griffin Something’s wrong with your shower. The water’s not cold enough.
Francis Griffin I like me showers colder than a well digger’s kerblocken.
Lois Griffin I think it’s time someone sits his kerfluffin’ down and has a talk with his unemployed son.
Francis Griffin If he needs to talk he’d best go to confession to beg forgiveness for all his failings!
Francis Griffin Have a glorious day.
Lois Griffin How can you just sit there and let him talk like that?
Peter Griffin He’s right, Lois. I am no good.
Peter Griffin Even my own dad doesn’t love me. Face it. I’m going to Hell.
Peter Griffin Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth.
Peter Griffin Hey, what are you doing here?
Superman I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
Stewie Griffin Yes, the fat man’s going to Hell.
Stewie Griffin And from the looks of his midsection, he’ll burn like a tire dump for all eternity.
Stewie Griffin Oh! I love God!
Stewie Griffin He’s so deliciously evil.
Lois Griffin Stewie, eat your oatmeal. Honey, you’re a wonderful husband a loving father, and, for some reason I’ll never understand a very devoted son.
Francis Griffin That’s a nice thought, Lois, but sadly, it means nothing coming from you.
Tom Tucker The moment has arrived at last.
Tom Tucker We now go live to Logan International Airport where the Pope’s plane has just touched down.
Emcee Hello, Boston!
Emcee Are you ready to humble yourself before God?
[Crowd cheering]
Emcee What? Have you all taken a vow of silence?
Emcee Come on!
[Crowd cheering]
Emcee Then put your hands together for the one, the only His Holiness, the Pope!
[Band playing upbeat music]
Peter Griffin Hey, I just got a crazy idea!
Peter Griffin Why? Why?
Peter Griffin Hey, I just got another crazy idea!
Cardinal Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says “Jebus.”
Cardinal It’s supposed to be “Jesus,” right?
Peter Griffin Room service!
Manager We didn’t order no room service.
Peter Griffin Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar.
Peter Griffin The last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers.
Man All right, wise guy, who are you?
Peter Griffin I’m just a faithful Catholic man with a family crisis only His Holiness can resolve.
Peter Griffin I’ve never asked the church for anything, but I don’t know where else to turn.
Man Dust him!
Driver My heavens, son! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin Yeah. I just got bounced by the Pope’s road crew.
Driver It’s good you missed me. I’m to drive the Popemobile.
Driver Any slight bump on the head knocks me unconscious for a few hours.
Driver I always wake up fine, but it’s just so darn inconvenient to be knocked out that easily. Even by the slightest tap. Like this.
[Crowd cheering]
Prisoner 1 Taking it off here, Boss.
Sheriff Take it off there, Luke.
Prisoner 2 Wiping it off, Boss.
Sheriff Wipe it off, Nine.
Prisoner 3 Waving at the Pope here, Boss.
Sheriff Wave at the Pope there, Luke.
The Pope Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter Griffin Yeah, it’s Boston. See, look, there’s Harvard.
The Pope That’s just a barn.
Peter Griffin Someone went to Yale.
Peter Griffin Lois, put the coffee on.
Lois Griffin Careful. I just cleaned the floor.
Peter Griffin Good thing.
The Pope Lemony.
Lois Griffin Your Holiness, this is such an honor.
Lois Griffin Please, go into the living room and make yourself at home!
Lois Griffin What is the Pope doing here?
Peter Griffin Relax. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I’m a good guy.
Lois Griffin You kidnapped the Pope?
Lois Griffin This is the most reckless thing you’ve ever done!
Peter Griffin Come on. What about the time I was on that airplane?
Peter Griffin [Giggling]
Peter Griffin [Laughing]
The Pope Peter, you’ve raised a fine family.
Peter Griffin Well, my dad thinks I’m a screw-up. I was hoping you could change his mind.
Peter Griffin He’d have to believe you. You’re God’s go-to guy.
The Pope Your father is entitled to his opinion.
The Pope But more important is what you think.
The Pope Look deep in your heart, my son.
The Pope Do you think you’re a screw-up?
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Peter Griffin No. I’m not. You know what? I’m a damn good father.
Peter Griffin I have great kids.
Meg Griffin That’s not what Grandpa says.
Peter Griffin Grandpa is wrong.
Peter Griffin Meg, it’s not a sin for a girl your age to like boys.
Meg Griffin Thanks, Daddy.
Peter Griffin And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God.
Peter Griffin And if you’re sorry, he’ll forgive you.
Chris Griffin Thanks, Dad!
The Pope Good for you, Peter.
The Pope But isn’t there someone else you should speak to?
Peter Griffin Yes, there is.
Peter Griffin Scarecrow, you’ve had brains all along.
Peter Griffin Same goes for your heart, Tin Man.
Peter Griffin And Kristy McNichol, come back to television. We miss you.
The Pope I meant you should talk to your father.
Peter Griffin You’re right. You with me, big guy?
The Pope Peter, I go where I am needed.
Peter Griffin To the Popemobile!
[Theme from Batman]
[Desperate muttering]
Peter Griffin Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi’s birthday and it turned out to be his son? I think this is gonna top it.
Man Wow, it’s the Pope!
Francis Griffin Slothful sinners! You’re here to work, not sit around with your…
Francis Griffin Holy Mother! It’s the Holy Father.
Francis Griffin I am not worthy.
The Pope Rise, my son.
The Pope You are indeed worthy, for you have raised a fine son.
The Pope His zest for life is an affirmation of God’s great love within us all.
Peter Griffin Wow! And that’s from the freakin’ Pope!
Peter Griffin So I guess you were wrong about me, Dad.
Francis Griffin I was wrong all right.
Peter Griffin Stand by, boys.
Francis Griffin I was wrong about you!
Francis Griffin You’ve gone soft on me, Holy Father!
Francis Griffin Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy’s no good!
The Pope Are you calling me a liar?
Peter Griffin Whoah, easy, Pontiff.
The Pope Because I’ll excommunicate your sorry…
Peter Griffin Okay, time out.
The Pope Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man!
The Pope You must have the patience of a saint.
Peter Griffin Well, he’s my dad. And I just want him to love me.
Francis Griffin Peter, how could you say such a thing?
Francis Griffin I love you with all me heart.
[Sentimental music playing]
Peter Griffin You do?
Francis Griffin Of course.
Francis
Griffin		 I just don’t like you. I don’t like anything about you!
[Music stops]
Peter Griffin Keep playing. I think this is as good as it gets.
Peter Griffin Dad, to be honest, I don’t like you either.
Peter Griffin Jeez, that’s a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell.
The Pope The good Lord said to honor thy father.
The Pope He never said anything about liking him.
Peter Griffin Well, in that case, Dad I’m gonna eat meat on Fridays, golf on Sundays laugh at Jewish comedians, and yes, sleep with my Protestant wife.
Peter Griffin But I won’t enjoy it. And she hates it.
Francis Griffin Well, fine. I’ll be on me way.
Francis Griffin Take back your job, and give your old man a hug.
Peter Griffin I love you, Dad.
Francis Griffin I know you do, Son.
Peter Griffin What are you gonna do now?
Francis Griffin I don’t know.
Francis Griffin I guess the good Lord doesn’t have much use for an old man like me.
The Pope I suppose I could use another pair of hands on my tour.
Peter Griffin You’d give Dad a job, even knowing what a jerk he is?
The Pope I have to. As you said, Peter, “I am the freakin’ Pope.”
[Crowd cheering on TV]
Francis Griffin All right, get back!
Francis Griffin No flash photography, or you’ll go straight to Hell! You!
Francis Griffin You’re in God’s house, you heathen!
Francis Griffin Take that cap off before I take it off for you!
Lois Griffin I think your father found the perfect job.
Peter Griffin Let’s hope so. I love being a good father.
Peter Griffin But I don’t want to have to be a good son again for a long, long time.
[Knocking]
Peter’s Mom Peter, open the door, and break out the schnapps!
Peter’s Mom Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?
Peter Griffin Mom?
Lois Griffin Oh, my God, no!
Peter Griffin Quick, everyone! Into the pod!
[Exciting instrumental music]
[Theme music]
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