Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater Transcript
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] “It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | “is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | “But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | “on which we used to rely? |
| All | “Lucky there’s a family guy |
| All | “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you |
| All | “all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | “laugh ‘n’ cry |
| All | “He’s a family guy” |
| Stewie Griffin | Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn’t yet cut itself. |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, I’ll be right there. |
| Stewie Griffin | By all means, take your time. |
| Stewie Griffin | When you do finally get around to it, I’ll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mom, there is no way I’m sleeping in Chris’ room this weekend! |
| Meg Griffin | It smells like old milk in there! |
| Meg Griffin | If I could find it, I’d clean it up! |
| Lois Griffin | Kids, keep it down. |
| Lois Griffin | I haven’t even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Who said Marguerite? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, it’s just for a week. |
| Peter Griffin | A week! No. Please, God, kill me now. |
| Peter Griffin | Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a… |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, sometimes it’s appropriate to swear. |
| Bailiff | Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? |
| Peter Griffin | I do. You bastard. |
| Lois Griffin | I love Aunt Marguerite. |
| Lois Griffin | Because if it wasn’t for her, I never would’ve met you, Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel? |
| Aunt Marguerite | Have the towel boy bring you another. |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t want to bother him. |
| Aunt Marguerite | Nonsense, dear. You’re a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy! |
| [Dreamy instrumental music] | |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. |
| Peter Griffin | My name is Peter. I’ll be your nipples… Towel boy! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, jeez. |
| [Doorbell ringing] | |
| Lois Griffin | Okay, everyone. |
| Lois Griffin | Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome. |
| Lois Griffin | Aunt Marguerite! |
| Aunt Marguerite | Lois! |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! She’s dead! |
| Peter Griffin | Whoa! Be careful what you wish for, huh, Lois? |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: What if they bury her and she wakes up because she wasn’t really dead she was only sleeping? |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah. That’s what happened to our big brother Jimmy. |
| Meg Griffin | That’s why Mom and Dad adopted you. |
| Chris Griffin | What? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you remember Coco, my friend from Newport? |
| Coco | Peter, I almost didn’t recognize you without a towel on your arm. |
| Coco | Lois, where are your parents? Don’t tell me they’re still on safari. |
| Lois Griffin | You know Daddy. |
| Lois Griffin | He won’t rest until he kills something on every continent. |
| Lois Griffin | But I’m hoping they’ll be back in time for Christmas. |
| Peter Griffin | It just wouldn’t be Christmas without your parents. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I dropped my watch. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Would you be a sport and fetch it for me? |
| Peter Griffin | Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt. |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, we’ve got to put that out! |
| Peter Griffin | I’m telling you, Brian, nothing changes. |
| Peter Griffin | These bluebeards still treat me like scum ’cause I’m not loaded. |
| Peter Griffin | I got news for them. I’m as elegant as anyone in this room. |
| Lois Griffin | We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite’s lawyer tomorrow. |
| Lois Griffin | She left us something in her will. |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you! |
| [Mourners gasping] | |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter humming] |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God. She’s dead. |
| Lawyer | Madam Pewterschmidt’s passing has saddened us all. |
| Lois Griffin | Yeah, it’s a real tragedy. |
| Peter Griffin | What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, please! I’m sorry. He’s stricken with grief. |
| Lawyer | Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you. |
| Robin Leach | Newport, Rhode Island home of New England’s most elegant and historic estates the Breakers, Rosecliff, and exquisite Cherrywood Manor the palatial mansion of Marguerite Pewterschmidt. |
| Robin Leach | Marguerite is a shining example of how people with a lot of money are just plain better than everyone else. |
| Aunt Marguerite | Lois, you were always my favorite niece. |
| Aunt Marguerite | I just knew you’d find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. |
| Aunt Marguerite | But I was wrong. |
| Peter Griffin | And now you’re dead. Score one for Peter. |
| Aunt Marguerite | It’s time you started living like a Pewterschmidt. |
| Aunt Marguerite | That’s why I’m giving you my summer home in Newport. |
| Lois Griffin | Cherrywood? That’s so generous of Aunt Marguerite. |
| Peter Griffin | Our own summerhouse! |
| Peter Griffin | Now I feel bad for doing that thing with her toothbrush. |
| [Broadway showtune music] | |
| Staff | STAFF: [Singing] “We only live to kiss your ass” |
| Staff | Kiss it? We’ll even wipe it for you. |
| Staff | STAFF: “From here on in, it’s Easy Street” |
| Brian Griffin | Any bars on that street? |
| Staff | 24 happy hours a day. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, boy. |
| Staff | “We’ll stop Jehovahs at the gate” |
| Staff | Can I see that pamphlet, sir? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: “My God, this house is freakin’ sweet |
| [Music continues] | |
| Staff | “I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch |
| Staff | “each and every day |
| Staff | “Chocolate cake a la Blake |
| Staff | “Hundred bucks, Blake is gay |
| Staff | “We’ll do the best we can with Meg” |
| Meg Griffin | Are you saying I’m ugly? |
| Staff | It doesn’t matter, dear. You’re rich now. |
| Staff | “We’ll do your nails and rub your feet” |
| Lois Griffin | That’s not necessary. Oh, my. |
| Staff | “We’ll do your homework every night” |
| Chris Griffin | It’s really hard. |
| Staff | That’s why we got that Steven Hawking guy. |
| Peter Griffin | “My God, this house is freakin’ sweet |
| Peter Griffin | “I used to pass lots of gas |
| Peter Griffin | “Lois ran away |
| Peter Griffin | “Now we’ve got 30 rooms |
| Peter Griffin | “Hello, beans, good-bye, spray |
| Staff | “We’d take a bullet just for you” |
| Stewie Griffin | What a coincidence. I’ve got one. |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie! |
| Staff | “Prepare to suck that golden teat |
| Staff | “Now that you’re stinking rich |
| Staff | “we’ll gladly be your bitch |
| Staff | “My God, this house is |
| Staff | “freakin’ sweet” |
| Staff | STAFF: Welcome! |
| Staff | That’s a wrap, people. Let’s get the hell out of here. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait. Where are you going? |
| Staff | The old bag only paid us up through the song. |
| Lois Griffin | We can just pick up after ourselves. |
| Lois Griffin | After all, we’ll only be here on weekends. |
| Peter Griffin | No, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | It’s time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are. |
| Lois Griffin | That’s “Pewterschmidt”! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Wait, you guys. |
| Peter Griffin | You’re all hired to be full-time Griffin servants. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, where are we gonna get the money to pay all these people? |
| Peter Griffin | Simple. I sold our house in Quahog. |
| Lois Griffin | You sold our home? |
| Peter Griffin | Surprise! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, how could you? |
| Peter Griffin | Whoops. |
| Peter Griffin | [Singing] “I recognize that tone |
| Peter Griffin | “Tonight I sleep alone |
| Peter Griffin | “But still, this house is freakin’ sweet” |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, how could you sell our house in Quahog without even asking me? |
| Peter Griffin | Honey, this is where you belong. You deserve a big house and nice stuff. |
| Peter Griffin | Like diamonds. |
| [Classical instrumental music] | |
| Lois Griffin | But I love our old house. You have to buy it back. |
| Peter Griffin | It’s too late. Our stuff is packed. |
| Peter Griffin | It’s on its way here. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Lois, you’ll love living in Newport. |
| Peter Griffin | Sure, this house is big, but it’s also very intimate. |
| Peter Griffin | [Echoing] Intimate. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: So we’re really gonna live here now? |
| Peter Griffin | That’s right, honey. |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t know, Peter. |
| Meg Griffin | Please, Mom. Look, there’s a pool. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Yeah. And there’s a chair. |
| Butler | BUTLER: The solarium is at the far end of the west wing. |
| Twins | TWINS: Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy. |
| Butler | BUTLER: Across the hall from the library we have the billiard room. |
| Butler | And here we have the lounge. |
| Brian Griffin | Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot! |
| Bartender | What can I get you, sir? |
| Bartender | We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles. |
| Brian Griffin | Don’t make me beg. |
| Lois Griffin | I did love spending time here when I was a kid. |
| Chris Griffin | All right, Mom! |
| Coco | COCO: Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world. |
| Peter Griffin | Funny sailing story. |
| Peter Griffin | A guy’s on his boat, in the middle of the ocean and he sees a little black dog. |
| Peter Griffin | This dog’s been swimming for days, and he stinks like a dead otter. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, maybe this isn’t the place… |
| Peter Griffin | Hang on, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | So the guy takes the dog into the vet. |
| Peter Griffin | The freakin’ vet tells him, get this, “It’s not a dog. It’s a rat.” |
| Peter Griffin | A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story. |
| Meg Griffin | Dad, that’s just an urban legend. |
| Peter Griffin | Hand to God. I’m telling you, it was a huge freakin’ rat. |
| Peter Griffin | Five times as big as that guy’s steak. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story. |
| Peter Griffin | I got a million of them. |
| Peter Griffin | Like the time my buddy’s sister’s boss was drinking with a hooker in a Vegas bar. |
| Peter Griffin | Bam! Woke up without his kidney. |
| Woman | [Vomiting] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I can’t believe they kicked me out of the yacht club. |
| Peter Griffin | I barely had time to stuff Lois’ salmon in my jacket. |
| Brian Griffin | Face it, Peter. You have a knack for saying the wrong thing. |
| Peter Griffin | This sucks. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois’ friend “yacht boy” and his lovely wife “Caca” invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon. I don’t want to embarrass her again. |
| Peter Griffin | You gotta help me. Teach me how to be a gentleman. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Peter, it’s not really that hard. Let’s start with polite conversation. |
| Brian Griffin | For example, “It’s a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we’re having.” |
| Brian Griffin | Now you try. |
| Peter Griffin | It’s a pleasure to see you again. |
| Peter Griffin | After Hogan’s Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. |
| Peter Griffin | How’s that? |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Wow, perfect. My work is done. |
| Brian Griffin | But just for the heck of it, let’s try again. |
| Butler | BUTLER: More coffee, madam? |
| Lois Griffin | I can get that, Sebastian. |
| Lois Griffin | To tell you the truth, we’re all a little uncomfortable being waited on. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Cut my egg! |
| Stewie Griffin | Your eggs are cut, sir. |
| Stewie Griffin | Cut my milk! |
| Butler | I can’t, sir. It’s liquid. |
| Stewie Griffin | Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! |
| Stewie Griffin | If you question me again, I’ll put you on diaper detail. |
| Stewie Griffin | And I promise, I won’t make it easy for you! |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, you’re gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus. |
| Meg Griffin | Filled with beautiful people. And I’m gonna bag me a rich one. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, that’s a terrible thing to say. |
| Lois Griffin | You should marry someone you love. That’s what I did. |
| Meg Griffin | And he got us kicked out of the yacht club. |
| Lois Griffin | You can’t be mad at your father for being himself. |
| Lois Griffin | That’s the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. |
| Lois Griffin | He was so different from everyone else. |
| [Waltz music playing] | |
| Jonathon | JONATHAN: Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard I’m gonna carry you off into the sunset on a white horse. |
| Coco | It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur. |
| Jonathon | Isn’t she a bit of terrific? |
| All | [Laughing] |
| [Rock 'n' roll music playing] | |
| Lois Griffin | Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with its own riches. |
| Lois Griffin | Money doesn’t buy happiness. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: I beg to differ. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Rings bells] |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal! |
| Stewie Griffin | You two, fight to the death! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] | |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] | |
| Brian Griffin | Okay, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been… |
| Brian Griffin | Who are we kidding? You haven’t made any progress. |
| Brian Griffin | Now the left TV is tuned to Frasier. The right TV has Ricki Lake. |
| Brian Griffin | If you so much as glance at the right TV, I’m giving you 10,000 volts. |
| Peter Griffin | Got it. |
| Niles | You’re so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa. |
| Peter Griffin | This is the smartest show on TV. |
| Guest | Yo, Ricki. That’s my girlfriend. She ain’t supposed to be having no penis! |
| Peter Griffin | [Electricity surging] |
| Butler | Master Brian, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentleman at the auction? |
| Brian Griffin | We’ve got a long road ahead. But I’ve worked miracles before. |
| Presenter | And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter was supposed to meet us here an hour ago. |
| Lois Griffin | I hope he didn’t change his mind. |
| Brian Griffin | Maybe he’s already here. |
| Brian Griffin | Maybe he’s fitting in so well, we can’t tell him from the other bluebloods. |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t think we have to worry about that. |
| [Trumpet fanfare] | |
| Butler | Lord Peter Lowenbrau Griffin the First. |
| Peter Griffin | Play me down the stairs, boys. |
| [Band playing classical music] | |
| Peter Griffin | Good day. |
| Peter Griffin | EnchantT. |
| Peter Griffin | Pasta Fazul. |
| Peter Griffin | Looking good, fellas. |
| Lois Griffin |
Brian, do you know anything about this? |
| Brian Griffin | Lois, please. I’m just a dog. A stupid dog. |
| Brian Griffin | Vodka stinger with a whiskey back. And step on it! |
| [Piano playing] | |
| Coco | COCO: Peter, you’re simply enchanting. |
| Coco | You must join us tomorrow for a game of baccarat. |
| Peter Griffin | Right baccarat at you. |
| Coco | [Laughing] |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, what happened to Peter? |
| Lois Griffin | He’s not cramming hors d’oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger. |
| Lois Griffin | That’s not the man I married. |
| Brian Griffin | So, I guess, technically, that makes you available. |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Brian Griffin | Lighten up, toots. It’s a party. |
| Brian Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Brian Griffin | Barkeep, it’s like the damn Sahara over here! |
| Brian Griffin | How you doing, honey? |
| Lord Brandywine | BRANDYWINE: Welcome to the Historical Society Auction. |
| Lord Brandywine | Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel. |
| Lord Brandywine | We’ll start the bidding at $140,000. |
| Peter Griffin | What a marvelous vessel. |
| Peter Griffin | It would look smashing in Lois’s crapper. I mean “crapier”. |
| Coco | You are so right. |
| Coco | Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. |
| Coco | Jonathan! |
| Jonathon | $140,000. |
| Peter Griffin | $150,000. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, that sounded like Peter. |
| Brian Griffin | Come here, you! |
| Brian Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Jonathon | $160,000. |
| Peter Griffin | $170,000. |
| Jonathon | $180,000. |
| Peter Griffin | $190,000. |
| Jonathon | $200,000. |
| Lord Brandywine | We have a new record for the Historical Society! |
| Lord Brandywine | The vessel goes to… |
| Peter Griffin | $100 million! |
| Lord Brandywine | To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: [Singing] “Money, money, money” |
| Coco | COCO: Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist. |
| Coco | It’s a fabulous vase, Peter, darling. |
| Coco | Do you collect objets d’art? |
| Peter Griffin | If that’s French for “Star Wars collectors glasses,” then sf. |
| Coco | [Laughing] |
| Lord Brandywine | Mr. Griffin, you’re the most generous man since Ted Turner. |
| Ted Turner | I’d like to announce I’m giving a gift the whole world can appreciate. |
| Ted Turner | I’ve colorized the moon. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you don’t have $100 million! |
| Peter Griffin | Of course I do, my dear. |
| Lord Brandywine | Now, would that be cash or check? |
| Peter Griffin | Drop by Cherrywood this evening. |
| Peter Griffin | I’ll have the money wired to me from my Swiss bank account. |
| Lord Brandywine | Very good, sir. |
| Lois Griffin | You don’t have a Swiss bank account! |
| Peter Griffin | Right. |
| Peter Griffin | My lawyer’s advised me to keep some of my assets a secret in case things don’t work out. |
| Lois Griffin | I’m going home. Where’s Brian? |
| Brian Griffin | I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL. Can you help me out? |
| Lois Griffin | I’m sorry. But I’ve made my decision. |
| Lois Griffin | We’re moving back to Quahog as soon as we can get packed. |
| Meg Griffin | Quahog, that one-horse town? |
| Horse | Shut up. No, you shut up. |
| Horse | No, you shut up. You’re the one talking. |
| Horse | There’s no one else here. Everybody just shut up! |
| Horse | What’s that? The wind! |
| Peter Griffin | A pox on Quahog! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Easy! |
| Chris Griffin | If I ever go back to Quahog, it’ll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick! |
| Peter Griffin | Bon Jovi, everyone. |
| Lois Griffin | Now I remember why I left Newport! |
| Lois Griffin | It changes people. You kids have lost your values. |
| Lois Griffin | You’ve lost your mind! And I don’t much care for Stewie’s new friends. |
| Man | The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste. |
| Stewie Griffin | Stop it! |
| Stewie Griffin | You can’t become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a correction! |
| Stewie Griffin | Asia’s market has nowhere to go but up! |
| Man | Interesting. |
| Stewie Griffin | Indeed. |
| Lois Griffin | I wish we’d never come here in the first place. |
| Peter Griffin | [Sighing snobbishly] |
| Peter Griffin | Go buy yourself some more money. |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, old bean. |
| Peter Griffin | What are you doing with my Star Wars glass? |
| Brian Griffin | Illustrating a point. |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City he saw that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. |
| Brian Griffin | Lando had forgotten who he was. |
| Brian Griffin | It was only after Han was encased in carbonite and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba’s palace that he was able to see the error of his ways. |
| Brian Griffin | Look inside yourself. |
| Brian Griffin | You’re not a Newport millionaire. I created you. |
| Brian Griffin | In a way, I am your father. |
| Peter Griffin | That’s not true! That’s impossible. |
| Brian Griffin | Damn it, Peter! Snap out of it! |
| Peter Griffin | No! |
| Peter Griffin | I just had the craziest dream where I bought a $100 million vase. |
| Butler | BUTLER: A Mr. Brandywine from the Historical Society is at the front gate. |
| Butler | He’ll be here in half an hour. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: That wasn’t a dream. He’s here for the money. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, I’m screwed. |
| Peter Griffin | If I welsh on that debt, I’m gonna prove to everyone that I’m not good enough for Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | If I only had something worth that much money. |
| Peter Griffin | I never should’ve dropped Joe Green’s jersey. |
| Peter Griffin | Good game, Mean Joe. You want some of my Coke? |
| Mean Joe Green | Hey, kid. Catch. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe. |
| Peter Griffin | What about this house? |
| Peter Griffin | I could give him the house and call it even. |
| Brian Griffin | Cherrywood isn’t worth $100 million. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, it’s the Historical Society. We just gotta convince him that $100 million worth of history happened here. |
| Lord Brandywine | So you’re saying that Jesus carved his name into this mantle 51 years before he was born. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. He’s Jesus. He can do anything. And look over here. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: That’s where the market crashed. |
| Lord Brandywine | Mr. Griffin! |
| Peter Griffin | You can’t take a step in this house without uncovering something historical. |
| [Locomotive choo-chooing] | |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a second. |
| Peter Griffin | Could that be Harriet Tubman’s secret underground railroad? |
| Peter Griffin | It is! Go, Freedom Train! |
| Lord Brandywine | I’ve seen enough. |
| Lord Brandywine | I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. |
| Lord Brandywine | Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day! |
| Peter Griffin | Wait! |
| Peter Griffin | Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock! |
| Lois Griffin | Excuse me, Lord Griffin. |
| Lois Griffin | Your family is going back to Quahog. |
| Lois Griffin | If you get tired of being a snob, look us up. |
| Peter Griffin | Lord Griffin is dead. It’s just me, Peter the towel boy. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you’re back! Let’s go home! |
| Peter Griffin | We can’t. I sold our home. |
| Peter Griffin | Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the man with the penis for a light switch. |
| Lois Griffin | We’ll find another place. |
| Peter Griffin | Your Aunt Marguerite is laughing at me while she’s burning in Hell may she rest in peace. |
| Peter Griffin | She was right. Everyone was right. |
| Peter Griffin | I’m not good enough for you. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I don’t care what anyone else thinks. All that matters is that I love you. |
| Peter Griffin | I love you, too, Lois. |
| [Gears grinding] | |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, our problems are over! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Our mansion is historical, all right. |
| Peter Griffin | Cherrywood was America’s first presidential whorehouse! |
| Peter Griffin | See, there’s Lincoln, Grant, Robert E. Lee. |
| Lord Brandywine | Those are fake! |
| Peter Griffin | They’re real. And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever. |
| Bill Cosby | So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street. |
| Bill Cosby | Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this. |
| ? | Dad, you’re not listening. I have a serious problem. |
| ? | I got a girl pregnant. What do I do? |
| Bill Cosby | And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face, we would all make this face. |
| [Audience laughing] | |
| [Rubbery warbling] | |
| ? | Oh, God! |
| Meg Griffin | Dad, you never did tell us how you got our house back. |
| Peter Griffin | Simple. I just offered the people I sold it to double what they paid. |
| Lois Griffin | What? But how could you afford that? |
| Peter Griffin | I kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a little auction of my own. |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks to old Honest Abe we have our house back and I learned a valuable lesson. |
| Peter Griffin | It doesn’t matter if your family doesn’t think I’m good enough for you. |
| Lois Griffin | That’s right, because all that’s important is that I love you. |
| Peter Griffin | No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughing] |
| [Theme music] |
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