The King Is Dead Transcript
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] “It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | “is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | “But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | “on which we used to rely? |
| All | “Lucky there’s a family guy |
| All | “Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you |
| All | “all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | “laugh ‘n’ cry |
| All | “He’s a family guy” |
| Tom Tucker | It was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond as six members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save a fish’s life trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers got the fish out of the water but unfortunately it died shortly after. Diane? |
| Diane Simmons | Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players passed away this afternoon. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| [Phone ringing] | |
| Diane Simmons | Kimble was a hands-on director who often appeared in his own shows most recently, Miss Saigon. |
| Robert Kimble | [Singing] “La la la la la, Miss Saigon |
| Robert Kimble | “La la la la la, Miss Saigon” |
| Lois Griffin | Yes, I just heard. It’s so sad. Really? They want me to be the new artistic director of the Quahog Players! |
| Chris Griffin | All right, Mom! |
| Brian Griffin | Are you gonna do it? |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t know. It’s such a big responsibility. I need a moment to think. |
| Lois Griffin | Okay, I’ll do it. |
| Tom Tucker | This just in. Lois Griffin is named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players. |
| Lois Griffin | All those years of paying my dues as musical director under that old hack have finally paid off. |
| Brian Griffin | Lois, congratulations. Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary at its helm. And such an attractive one. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, you’ll have to audition just like everyone else. |
| Brian Griffin | God, of course. I… You didn’t think… You thought I was… Lois! |
| Chris Griffin | I can paint scenery. |
| Meg Griffin | Can I be in the show, Mom? |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive. [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, you guys. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, guess what? I am gonna… |
| Peter Griffin | Me first! Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus. |
| Chris Griffin | Hey, Dad, why don’t you invent the Frisbee? That’s an awesome toy. |
| Meg Griffin | It’s already been invented. |
| Chris Griffin | Then how come I never heard of it? |
| Peter Griffin | This is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company! Sorry, Lois. What’s your news? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, I- |
| Peter Griffin | Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board may I present this year’s hottest toy… Mr. Zucchini Head. |
| Peter Griffin | He’s got stupid cool hip-hop style with his little hat and his Doc Martens. |
| Mr. Weed | Thank you, Peter, that’s enough. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait. This is the best part! He dances! |
| Man 1 | I’ve seen enough. |
| Man 2 | Inappropriate. |
| Man 3 | I haven’t had sex in ages. |
| Mr. Weed | Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly-line worker but you’ll be happy to know our company does not pay him to think. |
| [Laughing] | |
| Peter Griffin | [Nervous laughter] |
| Mr. Weed | I’ll take this. No calls. |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, kids! The director can’t be late for the auditions. |
| Peter Griffin | You should’ve heard them laughing at me. I got great ideas, but they look at me, and all they see is a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office. |
| Albert Einstein | And what is it you want to patent, Herr Smith? |
| Herr Smith | I call it “Smith’s Theory of Relativity.” |
| Albert Einstein | Hey, look at this. |
| Herr Smith | What? |
| Brian Griffin | I think Lois is saying that you have to find a way to express yourself creatively. For example, Chris has his drawing, Meg does her birdcalls, I sing beautifully. |
| Lois Griffin | So I’ve heard. |
| Brian Griffin | And Lois has her theater group. |
| Lois Griffin | Yes. And for my first production, I’ve chosen The King and I. It’s a wonderful story about a loving, patient woman who introduces culture and civility to a barbaric, patriarchal… Peter, please don’t wipe your nose on the couch. Look, I have to go. Part of being creative is figuring out what you’re good at. I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. |
| Peter Griffin | You’re right. Man was meant to create. That’s why God invented Shrinky Dinks. |
| God | It works! Look how tiny they are! |
| [Sweeping instrumental music] | |
| Brian Griffin | [Singing] “Oh, no not in springtime |
| Brian Griffin | “summer, winter, or fall |
| Brian Griffin | “No, never would I leave you |
| Brian Griffin | “at all” |
| Joe Swanson | Bravo! |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, that was beautiful! Thank you! |
| Brian Griffin | No, thank you. And that note you gave me, “louder,” I was thinking that, and then you said it. You’re so intuitive. It’s a pleasure… |
| Lois Griffin | Okay. Next! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, do you want to try out for Mommy’s play? |
| Stewie Griffin | “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York. And all…” |
| Lois Griffin | Why don’t you sing Itsy Bitsy Spider? |
| Stewie Griffin | How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries! |
| Lois Griffin | Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! |
| Stewie Griffin | Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said: “I’m going to kill you!” |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what are you doing here? |
| Peter Griffin | Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said. First I took an art class. |
| Peter Griffin | Am I supposed to draw the penis? |
| Peter Griffin | Then I tried sculpting. |
| Peter Griffin | Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? |
| Peter Griffin | Then I tried music. |
| Peter Griffin | Am I supposed to conduct with my penis? |
| Peter Griffin | I started to think there was nothing I’d be good at. But then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage. |
| Lois Griffin | Wait, Peter, everyone has to audition. You know, sing, dance. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughs] I get it. Hello, everybody. This is just a formality, since I happen to be doing the director. [Laughs] |
| Peter Griffin | Five, six, seven, eight. |
| Peter Griffin | [Sings out of tune] “Marshall, Will, and Holly, on a routine expedition |
| Peter Griffin | “Met the greatest earthquake ever known |
| Peter Griffin | “High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft |
| Peter Griffin | [Yells] |
| Peter Griffin | “And plunged them down a thousand feet below |
| Peter Griffin | “to the Land of the Lost” |
| Peter Griffin | [Growls] |
| Lois Griffin | Before I post the cast list my choreographer and I want to thank everyone for auditioning. |
| Joe Swanson | You were all great. |
| Lois Griffin | Weren’t they? I only wish the show was called The King and Us so I could cast you all. |
| Brian Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Loretta | Anna! Baby, baby! I’m a star! |
| Cleveland | Wow. I’ve never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once but then we later found out it wasn’t actually her. |
| Stewie Griffin | Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts! |
| Lois Griffin | You wanted a bigger part, didn’t you, sweetie? |
| Stewie Griffin | To hell with you! Perhaps I’ll skip the stage and go directly to films! |
| Ben Stiller | Hello. |
| Stewie Griffin | What is that on your ear? Is that hair gel? |
| Ben Stiller | Yeah. |
| Stewie Griffin | Great, ’cause I could use some. |
| Ben Stiller | No, don’t! |
| Stewie Griffin | I just ran out. |
| Ben Stiller | [Sighing] |
| Quagmire | Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp! |
| Brian Griffin | The King of Siam? Why, that’s the lead! This is so unexpected! |
| Quagmire | Hey, shut up! |
| Brian Griffin | The King of Siam? Why, that’s the lead! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I think you made a mistake. I’m not “The King.” I’m not “I,” I’m not anybody. So, what? I had sex with you for nothing? |
| Lois Griffin | No, Peter, I… It’s just that directing this show is a big opportunity for me and I don’t want anything to ruin it. |
| Peter Griffin | Ruin it? |
| Lois Griffin | Yes. By not using you to your full potential. You have too much talent for the stage. You should… [Stuttering] You should be a producer. |
| Peter Griffin | A producer? Gee, I don’t know. |
| Peter Griffin | Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. We made the deal. We’re richer and more powerful than ever! I’m the king of the… |
| Peter Griffin | [Screams] |
| Peter Griffin | Damn it! |
| [Gentle dinner music playing] | |
| Peter Griffin | I love Mexicans. I’ll do it! |
| [Pianist playing show music] | |
| Joe Swanson | Hang on, hang on! You overextended the pliT! You screwed it all up. Let me show you again. |
| Joe Swanson | Okay, boys! Let’s do it! |
| Joe Swanson | And one, two, three. And just like this. And watch my feet. And one, two, three. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, that’s where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin. |
| Lois Griffin | There is no talking penguin in The King and I. |
| Peter Griffin | There is in “Peter Griffin presents The King and I.” |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Now we gotta think of some funny stuff for him to say. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, the director decides whether or not to add a character. You’re the producer, remember? |
| Peter Griffin | What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put ‘em in a tub and clean myself with them? ‘Cause that’s what soap is for, Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | Good producers put their ideas to work outside the theater. It’s your job to make sure we sell every seat in this house. |
| Peter Griffin | And that’s creative? |
| Lois Griffin | Is it? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, it’s just the most creative job there is. |
| Peter Griffin | Don’t you worry, Lois. I’ll get the word out. I’ll tell two friends, and they’ll tell two friends and that’s, like, 10 people right there. |
| Tom Tucker | Hey, I recognize you from the television. You’re Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. |
| Peter Griffin | Excuse me? |
| Tom Tucker | You. Get out of here! |
| Tom Tucker | Get out of here! Go on, get out of here! |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! Diane Simmons! |
| Diane Simmons | You don’t look anything like the ad. You better be huge. |
| Peter Griffin | No, I’m Peter Griffin, producer. I’m presenting “Peter Griffin presents The King and l” a Peter Griffin production, and I’m giving you the exclusive story. |
| Diane Simmons | Look, pal, some two-bit community theater production isn’t news. Who’s the star? For that matter, who the hell are you, and why should I give a damn? |
| Peter Griffin | Wow, I’m being interviewed by Diane Simmons! |
| Peter Griffin | Well, Lois, you told me to produce, and I did. I got us a story on the 11:00 news. |
| Brian Griffin | Really? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter. |
| Diane Simmons | Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom? |
| Tom Tucker | Thanks, Diane. In other news, I’m not going to the play because I’m sure it’ll be lousy. |
| Diane Simmons | I’m getting late word that you’re a petty, jealous, closet case. |
| Tom Tucker | Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? |
| Lois Griffin | But Loretta’s playing Anna, and she’s doing a great job. |
| Peter Griffin | Loretta’s a nobody. Diane Simmons is a star. You wanted me to sell tickets, right? People who’ve never been in a theater will come see Diane Simmons. |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t know, Peter, she’s a news reporter. |
| Peter Griffin | Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. |
| Sean Penn | Today’s weather calls for breezy skies and sun, and there’s gonna be a… Get that camera out of my face! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, everybody, here’s our star! |
| Diane Simmons | This is so awkward. You all know my name, and I’ve never heard of any of you. |
| Loretta | You ever acted before, honey? |
| Diane Simmons | I did an independent film in college. |
| [Melancholic instrumental music] | |
| Lois Griffin | Let’s start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king. |
| Diane Simmons | Are you playing Lady Thiang? |
| Loretta | I was supposed to be Anna. |
| Diane Simmons | They did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful. |
| Lois Griffin | Okay, let’s go from the top of Scene 7. Action! |
| Loretta | “Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. You must go to him.” |
| Diane Simmons | “Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him.” |
| Peter Griffin | Cut! All wrong! No good! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. |
| Loretta | My ass. |
| Lois Griffin | Besides, I’m the director. |
| Peter Griffin | It just doesn’t feel real, you know? Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had “I won’t share my husband” and these two women bitch-slapped each other. The crowd went nuts. |
| Peter Griffin | Loretta, why don’t you try slapping Diane? |
| Loretta | I think I can do that. |
| Lois Griffin | Wait a minute. Nobody’s slapping anybody. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV! |
| Diane Simmons | I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station’s highest-rated shows. |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t know. |
| Peter Griffin | I thought you wanted to do a good show? If you want to do a bad show, why don’t we just do Rent? |
| Lois Griffin | I guess we can try that… |
| Loretta | Action! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Lois. Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? I thought we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. |
| Lois Griffin | They didn’t have capri pants in the 1860s. |
| Peter Griffin | They did now! |
| Stewie Griffin | You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber! And you! I just plain don’t like you! |
| All | [Laughing] |
| Lois Griffin | What’s going on? |
| Peter Griffin | We’re just having a little pow-wow to discuss my latest changes. |
| Lois Griffin | What changes? |
| Peter Griffin | The Siamese children. How about this? They’re not children. They’re aliens! |
| Quagmire | That was great. |
| Brian Griffin | On the money. |
| Diane Simmons | Isn’t he brilliant? |
| Lois Griffin | No! He’s not brilliant! Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant! And I want to do the show they wrote! We’re not making any more changes! |
| Meg Griffin | We sold out! |
| Chris Griffin | Yeah. The whole town’s talking about your show, Dad! |
| All | [Cheering] |
| Lois Griffin | Your show? Peter, this is my show! |
| Peter Griffin | What’s the big deal? You wanted to sell out, and we did. |
| Lois Griffin | I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful and you’ve completely destroyed that! You want to be the director? Fine! I quit! |
| Peter Griffin | Me, direct? I don’t know what to say, except, “I’m the king of the-” |
| Peter Griffin | Morning, theater fans! |
| Lois Griffin | Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast. |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell is this? |
| Lois Griffin | French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it’s a lot better now. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno. |
| Stewie Griffin | It is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he’s charming. |
| Peter Griffin | Face it, you’re just jealous because people like my ideas better than yours. |
| Lois Griffin | I don’t care if the whole world loves your ideas. That doesn’t make them good. I was trying to make art. |
| Peter Griffin | Art-schmart. |
| Peter Griffin | Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter they’ll produce Shakespeare. |
| Monkey | Let’s see. “A something by any other name…” |
| Monkey | “Carnation,” “peony.” |
| Monkey | No, they did that on last week’s Marlowe. |
| Monkey | What about “daisy”? |
| Monkey | “Chrysanthemum”! |
| Monkey | “Iris,” “rose”? What about “rose”? |
| Monkey | Did you say “rose”? |
| Monkey | Yeah, “rose.” |
| Monkey | “Rose” is good! |
| Monkey | “A rose by any other name.” That works. |
| Monkey | I like that a lot. |
| Monkey | Moving on. |
| Monkey | What about “tulip”? |
| Monkey | “Rose” is fine. Moving on. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you’ve never done a creative thing in your life! |
| Peter Griffin | That’s not true. I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities. |
| Lois Griffin | No, you didn’t. |
| Peter Griffin | You win this round, Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | You’re not being creative. You’re just destroying a wonderful show. |
| Peter Griffin | I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m. |
| Lois Griffin | The only thing you create before 9:00 a.m. is exactly what you’ve turned my show into. |
| Peter Griffin | I think my work will speak for itself. |
| Peter Griffin | [Fake laugh] I just got that. A poop joke? That’s real creative, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, let’s run this scene again. Remember, Diane, you’re playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. |
| Diane Simmons | Where does it say that? |
| Peter Griffin | In my noodle. Okay, places. And action! |
| ['80s pop music playing in theater] | |
| Peter Griffin | Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers. |
| Diane Simmons | We’ve been rehearsing for hours. I’m exhausted! |
| Peter Griffin | I’m sorry, but we open this show in three hours and I don’t think we’re ready! |
| Diane Simmons | No, we’re not! You keep changing everything! |
| Peter Griffin | You bet I do! Because theater is alive. It’s a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you’re not man enough to satisfy her! |
| Diane Simmons | I can’t work this way. I quit! |
| Peter Griffin | Fine. |
| Brian Griffin | We can’t do The King and I without Anna. |
| Quagmire | Yeah. This is a real snafu. |
| Peter Griffin | We don’t need Diane Simmons. We’ve had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy with the soul and passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression. |
| Loretta | Thank you, Peter. I’ll do it. |
| Peter Griffin | Get over yourself. I was talking about me. |
| Brian Griffin | Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. |
| Stagehand | Two minutes, everybody. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, full house. Look who came crawling back. |
| Joe Swanson | Peter, have you seen my wheelchair? |
| Chris Griffin | I don’t get it, Mom. If you’re mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why’d you come to opening night? |
| Lois Griffin | I came because I love the theater. If I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town what kind of person would I be? |
| Chris Griffin | A bitch. |
| Peter Griffin | Siam, 2015 AD. The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. It is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. A future where an oppressive new king has seized power. Only one man can stop him. No, one machine. |
| Peter Griffin | I am an Automaton Nuclear Neo-human Android. You may call me ANNA. I am a robot ninja from the planet England who is here to destroy you and free this land from your tyranny. |
| Brian Griffin | I have been expecting you, Anna. Let me introduce my Siamese children. |
| [Sultry instrumental music] | |
| Peter Griffin | I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy. We must kung fu fight! |
| Brian Griffin | So be it, Anna. |
| [Kung fu fighting noises] | |
| Peter Griffin | I have slain the evil emperor. I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of America. |
| All | [Singing] “Anna rules |
| Peter Griffin | “Because I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels |
| All | “Anna won |
| Peter Griffin | “Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun |
| All | “Dance and shout |
| All | “‘He’s the world’s greatest ninja, there’s no doubt |
| Peter Griffin | “Though they tried to defeat me |
| Peter Griffin | “they can all just freakin’ eat me |
| All | “Because he blew all of us away |
| All | “In the planet of Siam, there’s no one as tough as I am |
| Peter Griffin | “Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay” |
| [Heroic instrumental music] | |
| [Crowd cheering] | |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! They liked it? Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What’s wrong with you? These people shouldn’t be encouraged! They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening and the victim’s name is “theater.” This is the kind of mind-numbing schlock that’s turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn’t art! This isn’t even entertainment! This blows! |
| [Gasps] | |
| Peter Griffin | [Farting] |
| Peter Griffin | [Continues farting] |
| [Laughing] | |
| [Cheering] | |
| Lois Griffin | See? This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. |
| Lois Griffin | How was the cast party? |
| Peter Griffin | We’re a hit. Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life. It’s the greatest feeling in the world. |
| Lois Griffin | Yeah, I bet it is. |
| Peter Griffin | And it’s all thanks to you. I never would’ve discovered I could be creative if you hadn’t believed in me. |
| Lois Griffin | Actually I didn’t really, not at first. |
| Lois Griffin | But anyone who could take The King and I and turn it into that is… well, he’s gotta be creative. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, Lois, sorry I took your show away from you but I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you get your chance next year. It’ll be “Peter Griffin presents a Lois Griffin production.” Okay, honey? |
| Lois Griffin | Deal. |
| Peter Griffin | [chuckling] Were you there when I farted? |
| [Theme music] |
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