The King Is Dead

Lois Griffin
[Singing] “It seems today that all you see

Lois Griffin
“is violence in movies and sex on TV

Peter Griffin
“But where are those good, old-fashioned values

Peter Griffin
“on which we used to rely?

All
“Lucky there’s a family guy

All
“Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you

All
“all the things that make us

Stewie Griffin
“laugh ‘n’ cry

All
“He’s a family guy”

Tom Tucker
It was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond as six members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save a fish’s life trapped under the frozen [...]

Holy Crap!

Lois Griffin
[Singing] “It seems today that all you see

Lois Griffin
“is violence in movies and sex on TV

Peter Griffin
“But where are those good, old-fashioned values

Peter Griffin
“on which we used to rely?

All
“Lucky there’s a family guy

All
“Lucky there’s a man who’ll positively tell you

All
“all the things that make us

Stewie Griffin
“laugh ‘n’ cry

All
“He’s a family guy”

Doctor
Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant.

Doctor
I’m afraid you only have six months to live.

Woman
Oh, my God!

Announcer
Got milk?

Peter Griffin
Listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally [...]

Brian: Portrait of a Dog

Peter Griffin
Come on, everyone.

Peter Griffin
The Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start.

Dad
Mary, have you seen Nicholas?

Daughter 1
He’s up in his room sulking, Dad.

Daughter 2
Yeah. He’s still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.

Dad
Maybe I should make him a sandwich.

All
[Laughing]

Daughter 1
Dad. That’s your solution to everything.

Daughter 1
[Sister crying]

Daughter 2
Dad!

Peter Griffin
What?

Daughter 2
Eight is enough.

All
[Laughing]

Dad
You know, I love you girls.

Lois Griffin
Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?

Lois Griffin
[Singing] “It seems today that all you see

Lois Griffin
“is violence in movies and sex [...]

I Never Met the Dead Man

[Cheery instrumental music]

Lois Griffin
Look at Stewie.

Lois Griffin
Isn’t he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone?

Stewie Griffin
Put me through to the Pentagon.

Ernie
What sound does a cow make?

Stewie Griffin
Don’t toy with me!

Stewie Griffin
I’ve already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I’ve six armed men outside Big Bird’s nest.

Stewie Griffin
And as for Linda?

Stewie Griffin
It’s difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn’t it?

Ernie
Can you count to three?

Stewie Griffin
Indeed I can.

Stewie Griffin
One! Two! Three! [Shoots ray-gun]

Stewie Griffin
Can I count to three? For God’s [...]